This weekend has been...wow...
I'm apologizing in advance for blowing my steam here but I had to do it somewhere.
It was sort of surreal. Having a few days worth of sheer anxiety/excitement turn into pure anger in an instant. I normally consider myself a pretty tolerant person. For the first time, I actually felt the urge to kick someone's ass while talking to them: to feel the desire to straight up tell them to shut their fucking mouth and knock them out. I've never had that sort of urge, its unbelievable to think I had it in Key Club. I've never had to dwell on just simply anger for so long. I couldn't believe some of the things that went through my head; I almost cussed him out on the spot and quit KC. I still can't believe what had happened. I was getting punished for a fault that was out of my control, and for a problem I had already solved. I thought this was a club for building leadership and service? I still have yet to see how being punished for the organization's problems and subsequently having 20+ would've-been audience members leave a fund raiser could possibly serve a purpose. Worst of all, why should I be punished AFTER I've finished all of my preparations. I spent over ten hours practicing, over two hours making a song, and an hour just getting together all my materials.
To make it short, I wasted my entire Thursday, Friday, and Saturday practicing for NOTHING.
I would like to thank you for:
-Wasting about 15 hours of my time
-Wasting collectively 60 hours of my friends' time practicing
-Essentially wasting our ENTIRE WEEKEND
-Wasting the gas and time of over 20 people who were coming from Cupertino, Santa Clara, San Jose, and San Mateo
-Wasting the $30 or so I spent purchasing props for the competition.
-Wasting the money I spent RUSH MAILING our dues
-Wasting the 0 score I received on my Physiology essay which I held off preparing for the event.
-Leaving many of my club members bitter towards your organization.
-Choosing to ignore my very thorough and reasonable explanation as well as your own peers' words to change your mind.
Yeah...this weekend hasn't been cool
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Chasing Fireflies
It's 12:30 AM and I don't have anything to do, but I don't wanna sleep either so I guess I'll write a post. Second semester sure is going swell. Apps are totally finished, my grades turned out exactly how I thought they would, and this semester is really easy so far. I honestly don't even mind going to school now, cause everything just feels so stress free (minus Lerner). Whatever happens when acceptances/rejections come out I don't think I'll mind too much. The only thing stressing me out right now is getting all my shit together for Mr. Key Club but its not like theres horrible consequences if I don't do well. Finally got a chance to really enjoy the clubhouse with TAG today, cooked ramen and played random games. Once we get the TV in it'll be all good.
Most of all, this semester I've been able to keep the thought of her from my mind. It hasn't been easy. I sort of had to force myself not to think about her, but I'm not as unstable as I was last semester. No more long drives with emo music or random tearing. She doesn't conquer my thoughts 90% of the day anymore. After eight months of trying it looks like I'm finally ready to let go. It does make me sad that I don't talk to her as much as I used to though, but I knew that the feelings I had would eventually compromise our friendship somehow. I guess theres nothing left to do but move on and hope whatever comes next will be good for me; I just hope I'll never have to go through this again. Theres a lot of tension I don't feel anymore, I've easily been able to stop smoking since the day she left. I do have to admit though, that I never figured out whether or not she felt the same way and I wonder from time to time.
Despite all this optimism, I have to admit I'm still scared to graduate. I won't see 99% of the kids in school ever again after that day. I've noticed a lot of people are starting to cling tighter to those who mean the most to them and drifting away from everyone else. I guess I'm not the only one who's scared. I've noticed that I'm close to very few non-TAG people. It doesn't bug me at all that I tend to hang out with the same few people nearly everyday.
Enough thoughts for now, sleep soon!
Most of all, this semester I've been able to keep the thought of her from my mind. It hasn't been easy. I sort of had to force myself not to think about her, but I'm not as unstable as I was last semester. No more long drives with emo music or random tearing. She doesn't conquer my thoughts 90% of the day anymore. After eight months of trying it looks like I'm finally ready to let go. It does make me sad that I don't talk to her as much as I used to though, but I knew that the feelings I had would eventually compromise our friendship somehow. I guess theres nothing left to do but move on and hope whatever comes next will be good for me; I just hope I'll never have to go through this again. Theres a lot of tension I don't feel anymore, I've easily been able to stop smoking since the day she left. I do have to admit though, that I never figured out whether or not she felt the same way and I wonder from time to time.
Despite all this optimism, I have to admit I'm still scared to graduate. I won't see 99% of the kids in school ever again after that day. I've noticed a lot of people are starting to cling tighter to those who mean the most to them and drifting away from everyone else. I guess I'm not the only one who's scared. I've noticed that I'm close to very few non-TAG people. It doesn't bug me at all that I tend to hang out with the same few people nearly everyday.
Enough thoughts for now, sleep soon!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Destination: Clubhouse
So we started on the clubhouse yesterday. We put up the No Girls Allowed sign on the outside and properly loaded the fridge with Carbonated Awesome and purchased bags of Crisp Awesome. I've put up our pictures on Facebook. We're gonna bring in TV and posters on Monday yay!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Steps
"Rest these eyes of mine, they're tired
From watching loved ones break apart.
I tried to count the blessings,
But they'll never save this place anyways.
Burn these walls if that's the only way to change
I'll pray for days if you think it will help at all.
Why can't we find the time and strength to love?"
From watching loved ones break apart.
I tried to count the blessings,
But they'll never save this place anyways.
Burn these walls if that's the only way to change
I'll pray for days if you think it will help at all.
Why can't we find the time and strength to love?"
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Sugar Skulls
"This time, I wanna take it slow
And try to keep this life in line
Maybe fall in love
So I can learn to love the night
We can sail the seven seas
And just leave behind
These ghosts of mine."
And try to keep this life in line
Maybe fall in love
So I can learn to love the night
We can sail the seven seas
And just leave behind
These ghosts of mine."
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Letters to You
"Can I just hold on to you tonight?
Can I just hold on to you and make this right?
I'll take apart what is left and leave it
I've come to see that I'll never make it on my own."
This is the letter I wanted to write to you, but didn't have the courage to.
I write here knowing you'll never read this, but rather only three of my closest friends will. I never had the courage to tell you how I really felt about you beyond a simple "I like you," but that alone took months just to say. I never got to tell you this January marks the eighth month that you've held a place in my heart, even though I've been trying to let go in a dozen ways since the first, knowing that you could never feel the same way. I never could say how it hurts me every time someone considers us a couple or asks if we're gonna be going out soon, when I know the feelings aren't mutual. I never could say that I'd never been willing to try long distance relationships until I began to care for you. I never could tell you that the day you left for Seattle was the first time I've cried since the fourth grade. I've been thinking and I haven't been able to think of a better night of my life than Winter Ball, and it bugs me that I can't bring you to Senior Prom. I never could tell you that my best sleep this break wasn't sleeping in until the middle of the afternoon, but rather the times I could wake up next to you, even if I was staring at the ceiling most of the night. I never told you that I spent over a week contemplating a Christmas gift for you. I never told you that I know over fifty songs that remind me of you. I never told you that I pass your street almost everyday and I never can resist the urge to look down at your house as I pass by. Whenever I'm outside at night, I try to spot Venus. I've never been able to pinpoint what it is that keeps me attached to the thought of you. I've never told you that when I'm with you I feel a certain happiness that I've never felt with anyone else, even if I can't bring you that same feeling. I've found that spending time with you takes away all of my worries, even after getting destroyed on a final. I've never told you that when I'm with you I feel a certain anxiety simply because I want to hold you but I can't. I've never told you that you're the closest thing I've ever met to my imaginary dream girl. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in love, and if this isn't it then I'm absolutely terrified of how it must feel. I couldn't give you this letter because I don't want to thoughts of me to become a burden for you like thoughts of you are for me. I understand you have a new life there and I'm not a part of the picture as much as I'd like to be, but I don't want to become a compromise on your newfound happiness. While I'm secretly glad you haven't met anyone special there, I hope that what I've told you doesn't stop you from taking any chances. I've spent over ten hours on my UW application and I'll be submitting it soon and praying for the best, but I know I can't let these feelings guide my future. Tonight marked the fourth time I've had to say goodbye to you and it doesn't get easier each time. This will be the first time I have to wait more than a month to see you again. I'm sorry I could never find the courage to tell you all these things but I only did so for your own good. Thanks for giving me two of the best weeks of my life, and I hope you never forget there's a boy back home thinking about you.
Can I just hold on to you and make this right?
I'll take apart what is left and leave it
I've come to see that I'll never make it on my own."
This is the letter I wanted to write to you, but didn't have the courage to.
I write here knowing you'll never read this, but rather only three of my closest friends will. I never had the courage to tell you how I really felt about you beyond a simple "I like you," but that alone took months just to say. I never got to tell you this January marks the eighth month that you've held a place in my heart, even though I've been trying to let go in a dozen ways since the first, knowing that you could never feel the same way. I never could say how it hurts me every time someone considers us a couple or asks if we're gonna be going out soon, when I know the feelings aren't mutual. I never could say that I'd never been willing to try long distance relationships until I began to care for you. I never could tell you that the day you left for Seattle was the first time I've cried since the fourth grade. I've been thinking and I haven't been able to think of a better night of my life than Winter Ball, and it bugs me that I can't bring you to Senior Prom. I never could tell you that my best sleep this break wasn't sleeping in until the middle of the afternoon, but rather the times I could wake up next to you, even if I was staring at the ceiling most of the night. I never told you that I spent over a week contemplating a Christmas gift for you. I never told you that I know over fifty songs that remind me of you. I never told you that I pass your street almost everyday and I never can resist the urge to look down at your house as I pass by. Whenever I'm outside at night, I try to spot Venus. I've never been able to pinpoint what it is that keeps me attached to the thought of you. I've never told you that when I'm with you I feel a certain happiness that I've never felt with anyone else, even if I can't bring you that same feeling. I've found that spending time with you takes away all of my worries, even after getting destroyed on a final. I've never told you that when I'm with you I feel a certain anxiety simply because I want to hold you but I can't. I've never told you that you're the closest thing I've ever met to my imaginary dream girl. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in love, and if this isn't it then I'm absolutely terrified of how it must feel. I couldn't give you this letter because I don't want to thoughts of me to become a burden for you like thoughts of you are for me. I understand you have a new life there and I'm not a part of the picture as much as I'd like to be, but I don't want to become a compromise on your newfound happiness. While I'm secretly glad you haven't met anyone special there, I hope that what I've told you doesn't stop you from taking any chances. I've spent over ten hours on my UW application and I'll be submitting it soon and praying for the best, but I know I can't let these feelings guide my future. Tonight marked the fourth time I've had to say goodbye to you and it doesn't get easier each time. This will be the first time I have to wait more than a month to see you again. I'm sorry I could never find the courage to tell you all these things but I only did so for your own good. Thanks for giving me two of the best weeks of my life, and I hope you never forget there's a boy back home thinking about you.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Beginnings
Resolutions?
Find a place at a college and keep it
Save up for a new camera
At least one music video every month
Make a short movie before college.
Become an acceptable shape
TL Type-S, Evo, or STi
Enjoy Senior Year to the fullest. Stay true to TAGlove.
Let Go
Find a place at a college and keep it
Save up for a new camera
At least one music video every month
Make a short movie before college.
Become an acceptable shape
TL Type-S, Evo, or STi
Enjoy Senior Year to the fullest. Stay true to TAGlove.
Let Go
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