Letter from Yokosuka

What am I doing? When did July suddenly arrive, is summer really this much over? I don't believe I've accomplished anything in the month of June.

It was a good choice not to go anywhere for vacation, but if it weren't for the heat I'd really wish I was in Japan right now. My trip to Japan last winter felt so refreshing. I didn't have a single thought of schoolwork or any other stresses while I was there. I miss sitting in my small bedroom at the top floor of my aunt's karaoke bar, looking over magazines and listening to my new music and pondering senseless things. I need another escape.

Why am I so stricken with doubt these days. So many doubts from every direction I feel like I can't be happy in any way. Things haven't changed and I'm still indecisive. I feel like I'm hitting one of the pitfalls I used to have so much junior year. Despite being surrounded by people everyday, I feel really alone and I haven't figured out why. Theres so many bad feelings I have that I can't explain. It seems like nobody's close to me anymore. I want someone to have a midnight drive with me or stay out somewhere for hours just so we can talk about everything thats happening in our lives. It's so rare I can actually have good conversation with someone these days, everyones caught up in something else. I purposely opted not to work or study this summer because I wanted it to be something special, but I feel like everyone else has something tying them up and I'm back alone at square one. I want to become closer to people I've drifted from but they all have someone to be with or something to be doing. I'm stuck alone these days and pass time with dota and senseless driving. I don't even sleep in cause I need to, I just know there isn't anywhere for me to be when I wake up. I somehow imagined this summer to be so much better but I end up feeling crummy everyday. I want someone to intervene, to spend a lot of time with me and show that they genuinely care. I once had people who would do that but they're all too busy now, and its not really their fault. Maybe I don't reach out enough to the people who matter these days. Then again, a lot of these people have changed too.

I guess I have goals for this summer: build dancing skills, especially in breaking and choreography. I also need to learn to cook. Most importantly I need to make more videos. I started reading books too. It's something to pass time with I guess. I don't feel bored in the sense that I'm not doing anything these days, but more so that people aren't doing anything I feel like. It feels like 90% of what I'm invited to do is either drink/watch movies and I just don't feel like either most of the time. It's pretty cliche for people to say there's nothing to do in Cupertino, but realistically theres just as much to do here as there is anywhere else if you're willing to look hard enough and stretch your boundaries. I want to find some new things to do. To whoever's actually bothered to read all this: give me a call cause it seems you care.