Here it is, the moment of truth. The end of this week marks the crossroad that's been awaiting me all summer. In a short stretch of days I'll see all but a handful of my closest friends depart to find things that I thought I would too at this time. When I think about it though, I don't think I'm ready for the experience. A part of me says that I'm fine staying at this place longer. Taking a different path than most people, I'll need to figure out why I was meant to stay here.
I held picking a college off for the most part because I didn't know what I wanted. Last fall I applied to over twenty schools, essentially every single one that even mildly sparked my interest. In the end I made a fool of myself when I got into over a dozen of them, and yet I didn't want to go to any of those. I halfheartedly committed myself to Riverside, a school I almost didn't even apply to. Well here I am, about to start my fall quarter at De Anza after dropping my contract to UCR, but what progress have I made? I still have no plan for the future, and I don't know what school I even want to transfer to. "Transfer Planning" isn't so smooth when you don't have a goal to plan towards.
Depressing thoughts aside, this summer has been amazing. Senior year had been everything I had hoped for and more, and this summer met every last one of my expectations. I spent all of senior year hyping the "Big Final Summer" and it has been the greatest experience of my life. Carefree, exciting, and heartwarming. Epic sausagefest sleepovers, BBQs at Alan's, ghetto adventures, treal talks over cold beer, LAN parties, adventures in Azeroth. I honestly could not ask for more. This is the first time a summer has ended and I'm 110% content. TAGlove <3 for real.
This summer has gone on so long it's hard to believe its real. I can barely even remember what was happening at the end of senior year. Sadly in a week I can't taunt people about going to school anymore. I've discovered so much about myself, friendships, and relationships. Things are looking up, despite the sadness that seems to be traced to this time of year.
Just remember it's not goodbye, it's see you later
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Letter from Yokosuka
What am I doing? When did July suddenly arrive, is summer really this much over? I don't believe I've accomplished anything in the month of June.
It was a good choice not to go anywhere for vacation, but if it weren't for the heat I'd really wish I was in Japan right now. My trip to Japan last winter felt so refreshing. I didn't have a single thought of schoolwork or any other stresses while I was there. I miss sitting in my small bedroom at the top floor of my aunt's karaoke bar, looking over magazines and listening to my new music and pondering senseless things. I need another escape.
Why am I so stricken with doubt these days. So many doubts from every direction I feel like I can't be happy in any way. Things haven't changed and I'm still indecisive. I feel like I'm hitting one of the pitfalls I used to have so much junior year. Despite being surrounded by people everyday, I feel really alone and I haven't figured out why. Theres so many bad feelings I have that I can't explain. It seems like nobody's close to me anymore. I want someone to have a midnight drive with me or stay out somewhere for hours just so we can talk about everything thats happening in our lives. It's so rare I can actually have good conversation with someone these days, everyones caught up in something else. I purposely opted not to work or study this summer because I wanted it to be something special, but I feel like everyone else has something tying them up and I'm back alone at square one. I want to become closer to people I've drifted from but they all have someone to be with or something to be doing. I'm stuck alone these days and pass time with dota and senseless driving. I don't even sleep in cause I need to, I just know there isn't anywhere for me to be when I wake up. I somehow imagined this summer to be so much better but I end up feeling crummy everyday. I want someone to intervene, to spend a lot of time with me and show that they genuinely care. I once had people who would do that but they're all too busy now, and its not really their fault. Maybe I don't reach out enough to the people who matter these days. Then again, a lot of these people have changed too.
I guess I have goals for this summer: build dancing skills, especially in breaking and choreography. I also need to learn to cook. Most importantly I need to make more videos. I started reading books too. It's something to pass time with I guess. I don't feel bored in the sense that I'm not doing anything these days, but more so that people aren't doing anything I feel like. It feels like 90% of what I'm invited to do is either drink/watch movies and I just don't feel like either most of the time. It's pretty cliche for people to say there's nothing to do in Cupertino, but realistically theres just as much to do here as there is anywhere else if you're willing to look hard enough and stretch your boundaries. I want to find some new things to do. To whoever's actually bothered to read all this: give me a call cause it seems you care.
It was a good choice not to go anywhere for vacation, but if it weren't for the heat I'd really wish I was in Japan right now. My trip to Japan last winter felt so refreshing. I didn't have a single thought of schoolwork or any other stresses while I was there. I miss sitting in my small bedroom at the top floor of my aunt's karaoke bar, looking over magazines and listening to my new music and pondering senseless things. I need another escape.
Why am I so stricken with doubt these days. So many doubts from every direction I feel like I can't be happy in any way. Things haven't changed and I'm still indecisive. I feel like I'm hitting one of the pitfalls I used to have so much junior year. Despite being surrounded by people everyday, I feel really alone and I haven't figured out why. Theres so many bad feelings I have that I can't explain. It seems like nobody's close to me anymore. I want someone to have a midnight drive with me or stay out somewhere for hours just so we can talk about everything thats happening in our lives. It's so rare I can actually have good conversation with someone these days, everyones caught up in something else. I purposely opted not to work or study this summer because I wanted it to be something special, but I feel like everyone else has something tying them up and I'm back alone at square one. I want to become closer to people I've drifted from but they all have someone to be with or something to be doing. I'm stuck alone these days and pass time with dota and senseless driving. I don't even sleep in cause I need to, I just know there isn't anywhere for me to be when I wake up. I somehow imagined this summer to be so much better but I end up feeling crummy everyday. I want someone to intervene, to spend a lot of time with me and show that they genuinely care. I once had people who would do that but they're all too busy now, and its not really their fault. Maybe I don't reach out enough to the people who matter these days. Then again, a lot of these people have changed too.
I guess I have goals for this summer: build dancing skills, especially in breaking and choreography. I also need to learn to cook. Most importantly I need to make more videos. I started reading books too. It's something to pass time with I guess. I don't feel bored in the sense that I'm not doing anything these days, but more so that people aren't doing anything I feel like. It feels like 90% of what I'm invited to do is either drink/watch movies and I just don't feel like either most of the time. It's pretty cliche for people to say there's nothing to do in Cupertino, but realistically theres just as much to do here as there is anywhere else if you're willing to look hard enough and stretch your boundaries. I want to find some new things to do. To whoever's actually bothered to read all this: give me a call cause it seems you care.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Graduation (Friends Forever)
So this is it, the end of high school. I'm about to break into a long emotional blog post and whether or not anyone reads this I don't care because this is more for my own reflection. I'm gonna copy a lot of this on facebook but this is more in depth.
When they say high school is the best 4 years of your life, I don't have a single doubt about the truth behind it. I've learned a hundred times more about myself these past 4 years than I have the first 14. I've never thought about this day coming until just this past week or so. I'm actually going to graduate high school. In 3 months I'll be leaving the house and I'm never gonna sit in a non-college classroom again. I'm gonna be growing up, trying my best to take care of myself. I'm just gonna miss the little things in high school. Coming home and logging on aim, holding off hw to do stupid things. I'm gonna miss rallies, I'm gonna miss dances. I think even having a crush on a girl will feel different from now on. I'm indefinitely gonna change in the near future. It's sad to say my friends will too, and no matter how hard I try to avoid it I'll become distanced from most of them. However, the future is inevitable and after this blog and tomorrow's ceremony I'll have to move full speed toward the inevitable.
So let's take a warp back in time: how exactly do I feel about each of the past 4 years?
Freshman year I was still at Harker. I was caught in the loop of immaturity and sheltering which sadly still plagues a lot of kids back there. I have to admit, I was a pretty big asshole. I thought a little more of myself than I rightfully should've and I'm thankful that I left Harker so I could be set on the right path. It's not to say everyone there is like what I was but I needed a change to make a change. This isn't to say freshman year was all negativity. The mistakes taught me to avoid them in the future. Not to play girls, not to ever put things that don't matter before your friends. After most of my friends left to other high schools after middle school I became closer to certain people who I'll treasure forever. The summer before freshman year was when I really became best friends with Dan and I'm glad we're still inseparable after 4 years. I was lucky enough to make friends at MV before I transferred in or else I would've been a total outcast. I'm glad I left Harker, but at the same time I wouldn't change this part of my past if I had the chance.
Sophomore year was a huge smack in the face for me. Going from a school of 500 kids to 2400 was a shock. I came in and most the people around me didn't like me. I can't blame them cause I was off but I guess it helped me become who I am. I spent too much of this year obsessing over random little crushes and desperately trying to fit in. At the end of the year I was able to find a lot of my faults and it was around this time I made most of my most precious friends. I still reminisce of constantly walking around everywhere with Allen, Sam, and Koji.
Commercial break here for TAG SUMMER. The summer after sophomore year was without a doubt the biggest turnaround of my high school career. That summer I received my license and became closer to my friends at school, met the toga guys who would soon become some of my closest friends, and became more involved in Key Club. With these setting the foundation, I decided it was time to set permanence in friendship with TAG. Before the founding of TAG I was somewhat of a nomad. I was never especially close to a crowd of friends before this point. I spent the summer going to Leslie's nearly everyday and meeting up with the to-be founders. Fourth of July came, and during the barbecue at Alan's old house we decided to found it. Since then TAG has become the focal point of my life, a brotherhood I live and die for. I understand for some of the members its become pretty whatever but to me TAG is a reminder that I always have a group of close friends who'll support through everything. As we split this upcoming year I hope that we can hold our strong bond no matter what it takes.
Junior year had to have been undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I made the horrible mistake of signing up for 4 AP/honors classes and proceeded to fail nearly all of them. I couldn't get along with Coach Mueller and dropped out of football, which had been one of my greatest passions up until that point. I liked the same girl for nearly the entire year, despite the hopelessness. Through these struggles, I believe that this year was when I truly matured into the person I can confidently call an adult (despite my kiddish spirit). I owe it to TAG for keeping me sane through this year when everything seemed like it was falling apart.
Senior year, 180 degree change. This past year has definitely been the BEST year of my life. Schoolwork erased from my life as a plague. I barely tried at all this year and got better grades than I did working hard in junior year. This allowed me to spend time doing what mattered most, spending time with my friends. I've been so carefree this year it feels almost like a break from reality. I treasure each moment of high school because I realize each experience will be my last time having it. I've grown closer and closer to my friends and I can't be happy enough. Despite having to face some emotional issues for the first semester, I was able to resolve it and ultimately become stronger in the end. This year will allow me to move forward into the future with a bright smile on my face.
So here I am at the end of my senior year. Last rally is past, senior prom is past, I have no more classes. In less than 18 hours I'll be sitting on the Monta Vista bleachers in a purple gown being told in the most optimistic fashion about my future. A future which I'm still not sure of. So am I content with my high school experience? Very. Do I have regrets? Plenty. I regret not trying hard enough to get into any of the schools I wanted. I regret never having a strong relationship with a girl. I regret quitting football which I still have a passion for. Regrets are the past and they're just stepping stones not speed bumps. So here it is before me, the end of "the best 4 years of my life." I have mixed feelings about whether or not I'm ready but like I said, its inevitable.
Goodbye High School. Let's make this summer freakin rad
When they say high school is the best 4 years of your life, I don't have a single doubt about the truth behind it. I've learned a hundred times more about myself these past 4 years than I have the first 14. I've never thought about this day coming until just this past week or so. I'm actually going to graduate high school. In 3 months I'll be leaving the house and I'm never gonna sit in a non-college classroom again. I'm gonna be growing up, trying my best to take care of myself. I'm just gonna miss the little things in high school. Coming home and logging on aim, holding off hw to do stupid things. I'm gonna miss rallies, I'm gonna miss dances. I think even having a crush on a girl will feel different from now on. I'm indefinitely gonna change in the near future. It's sad to say my friends will too, and no matter how hard I try to avoid it I'll become distanced from most of them. However, the future is inevitable and after this blog and tomorrow's ceremony I'll have to move full speed toward the inevitable.
So let's take a warp back in time: how exactly do I feel about each of the past 4 years?
Freshman year I was still at Harker. I was caught in the loop of immaturity and sheltering which sadly still plagues a lot of kids back there. I have to admit, I was a pretty big asshole. I thought a little more of myself than I rightfully should've and I'm thankful that I left Harker so I could be set on the right path. It's not to say everyone there is like what I was but I needed a change to make a change. This isn't to say freshman year was all negativity. The mistakes taught me to avoid them in the future. Not to play girls, not to ever put things that don't matter before your friends. After most of my friends left to other high schools after middle school I became closer to certain people who I'll treasure forever. The summer before freshman year was when I really became best friends with Dan and I'm glad we're still inseparable after 4 years. I was lucky enough to make friends at MV before I transferred in or else I would've been a total outcast. I'm glad I left Harker, but at the same time I wouldn't change this part of my past if I had the chance.
Sophomore year was a huge smack in the face for me. Going from a school of 500 kids to 2400 was a shock. I came in and most the people around me didn't like me. I can't blame them cause I was off but I guess it helped me become who I am. I spent too much of this year obsessing over random little crushes and desperately trying to fit in. At the end of the year I was able to find a lot of my faults and it was around this time I made most of my most precious friends. I still reminisce of constantly walking around everywhere with Allen, Sam, and Koji.
Commercial break here for TAG SUMMER. The summer after sophomore year was without a doubt the biggest turnaround of my high school career. That summer I received my license and became closer to my friends at school, met the toga guys who would soon become some of my closest friends, and became more involved in Key Club. With these setting the foundation, I decided it was time to set permanence in friendship with TAG. Before the founding of TAG I was somewhat of a nomad. I was never especially close to a crowd of friends before this point. I spent the summer going to Leslie's nearly everyday and meeting up with the to-be founders. Fourth of July came, and during the barbecue at Alan's old house we decided to found it. Since then TAG has become the focal point of my life, a brotherhood I live and die for. I understand for some of the members its become pretty whatever but to me TAG is a reminder that I always have a group of close friends who'll support through everything. As we split this upcoming year I hope that we can hold our strong bond no matter what it takes.
Junior year had to have been undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I made the horrible mistake of signing up for 4 AP/honors classes and proceeded to fail nearly all of them. I couldn't get along with Coach Mueller and dropped out of football, which had been one of my greatest passions up until that point. I liked the same girl for nearly the entire year, despite the hopelessness. Through these struggles, I believe that this year was when I truly matured into the person I can confidently call an adult (despite my kiddish spirit). I owe it to TAG for keeping me sane through this year when everything seemed like it was falling apart.
Senior year, 180 degree change. This past year has definitely been the BEST year of my life. Schoolwork erased from my life as a plague. I barely tried at all this year and got better grades than I did working hard in junior year. This allowed me to spend time doing what mattered most, spending time with my friends. I've been so carefree this year it feels almost like a break from reality. I treasure each moment of high school because I realize each experience will be my last time having it. I've grown closer and closer to my friends and I can't be happy enough. Despite having to face some emotional issues for the first semester, I was able to resolve it and ultimately become stronger in the end. This year will allow me to move forward into the future with a bright smile on my face.
So here I am at the end of my senior year. Last rally is past, senior prom is past, I have no more classes. In less than 18 hours I'll be sitting on the Monta Vista bleachers in a purple gown being told in the most optimistic fashion about my future. A future which I'm still not sure of. So am I content with my high school experience? Very. Do I have regrets? Plenty. I regret not trying hard enough to get into any of the schools I wanted. I regret never having a strong relationship with a girl. I regret quitting football which I still have a passion for. Regrets are the past and they're just stepping stones not speed bumps. So here it is before me, the end of "the best 4 years of my life." I have mixed feelings about whether or not I'm ready but like I said, its inevitable.
Goodbye High School. Let's make this summer freakin rad
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Provocations of Starman Jr.
Indecision indecision
Its like I always feel like this. For better or worse I have a lot of big choices to make soon. I have so many questions but theres nobody all-knowing to answer them. I don't want high school to end. I don't want to move away. I don't want to see my friends move away. I don't want to grow up. I always feel like theres things nagging on me when there really isn't that much to be worried about. Everyones been telling me my life is perfect right now but is it really? Through some miracle I've been matched with one of the coolest, most gorgeous girls I've ever met. I have a car that catches glances everywhere I go. But can I say that a girl and a car make me completely content with my life? never. Just a few months ago, I felt like I was completely in control of my life. I enjoyed everyday to the fullest and embraced it. I feel like I'm just droning through each day now, counting down, now 4 more days before I never return to MV again except for graduation and future visits. Each day just feels like a waste of life. I wake up, go to school where I'm not being taught anything anymore, and then come home and waste time until I pass out. My mom insists on me moving out, believing wherever I go in life I'll be a failure so its not worth trying. I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing with the rest of my life. I've set myself on these different paths but each choice I make will put me closer to some goals and close out others. Why can't there be an answer for everything?
Someday I'm waking up with sunshine in my eyes
Its like I always feel like this. For better or worse I have a lot of big choices to make soon. I have so many questions but theres nobody all-knowing to answer them. I don't want high school to end. I don't want to move away. I don't want to see my friends move away. I don't want to grow up. I always feel like theres things nagging on me when there really isn't that much to be worried about. Everyones been telling me my life is perfect right now but is it really? Through some miracle I've been matched with one of the coolest, most gorgeous girls I've ever met. I have a car that catches glances everywhere I go. But can I say that a girl and a car make me completely content with my life? never. Just a few months ago, I felt like I was completely in control of my life. I enjoyed everyday to the fullest and embraced it. I feel like I'm just droning through each day now, counting down, now 4 more days before I never return to MV again except for graduation and future visits. Each day just feels like a waste of life. I wake up, go to school where I'm not being taught anything anymore, and then come home and waste time until I pass out. My mom insists on me moving out, believing wherever I go in life I'll be a failure so its not worth trying. I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing with the rest of my life. I've set myself on these different paths but each choice I make will put me closer to some goals and close out others. Why can't there be an answer for everything?
Someday I'm waking up with sunshine in my eyes
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Yesterday
"I thought I saw you yesterday
But I didn't stop
Cause you was walking the opposite way
I guess I could've shouted out your name
But even if it was you I dunno what I'd say
We could sit and reminisce about the old school
Maybe share a cigarette because we both fools.
Chop it up and compare perspectives
Life, love, stress and setbacks.
You could tell me how hard you had it
And you could show me all the scars to back it
And we can analyze each complaint
Break it down and explain these mistakes I make
I like to tangle up the strings of the puppetry
But you knew me back when I was a younger me
You seen me in all types of light
And I been meaning to ask you if I'm doing alright
And when you left I didn't see it coming.
I guess I slept it ain't like you was running
You crept out the front door slow
And I was so self absorbed I didn't even know.
And by the time I looked up it was booked up.
Put it all behind you the bad and the good stuff.
A whole house full of dreams and steps
I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept.
You disappeared but the history is still here.
That's why I try not to cry over spilled beer"
Beautiful lyrics. I Miss You
But I didn't stop
Cause you was walking the opposite way
I guess I could've shouted out your name
But even if it was you I dunno what I'd say
We could sit and reminisce about the old school
Maybe share a cigarette because we both fools.
Chop it up and compare perspectives
Life, love, stress and setbacks.
You could tell me how hard you had it
And you could show me all the scars to back it
And we can analyze each complaint
Break it down and explain these mistakes I make
I like to tangle up the strings of the puppetry
But you knew me back when I was a younger me
You seen me in all types of light
And I been meaning to ask you if I'm doing alright
And when you left I didn't see it coming.
I guess I slept it ain't like you was running
You crept out the front door slow
And I was so self absorbed I didn't even know.
And by the time I looked up it was booked up.
Put it all behind you the bad and the good stuff.
A whole house full of dreams and steps
I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept.
You disappeared but the history is still here.
That's why I try not to cry over spilled beer"
Beautiful lyrics. I Miss You
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Awake
"I'm trying real hard not to shake
I'm biting my tongue
But I'm feeling alive with every breath that I take
I feel like I've won
You're my key to survival"
So I haven't posted in a very long time. I guess life is starting to get much much better for me. Ever since you came into the picture I've been genuinely happy. Everything's really been falling into place since them. I've become really content and even excited to go to UCR, despite how I used to feel about it. Yesterday my mom signed all the papers to get the Evo X. I don't have any real academic worries for the rest of this school year. Now I'm just kicking it and enjoying what's being thrown at me. I'm getting quite stoked for senior prom and I hope I can ask this weekend.
Kbye!
I'm biting my tongue
But I'm feeling alive with every breath that I take
I feel like I've won
You're my key to survival"
So I haven't posted in a very long time. I guess life is starting to get much much better for me. Ever since you came into the picture I've been genuinely happy. Everything's really been falling into place since them. I've become really content and even excited to go to UCR, despite how I used to feel about it. Yesterday my mom signed all the papers to get the Evo X. I don't have any real academic worries for the rest of this school year. Now I'm just kicking it and enjoying what's being thrown at me. I'm getting quite stoked for senior prom and I hope I can ask this weekend.
Kbye!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Deserts Eating Oceans
"We sleep alone in our beds
Waiting for our eyes to fall in rest.
Remember when we used to think
That all of our childhood dreams would fall into place
By some heavenly grace.
But now I can see I've made a big mistake"
It's hard to believe. Waiting day in and day out thinking about the same thing, checking up on it multiple times daily. When you finally get an answer, its what you feared the most. I believed that, against all odds, the one thing I wanted the most right now would come to me simply because I desperately prayed for it. I stood by idly, waiting week after week after, meeting one wave of rejection after the other, only to feel apathetic to every last one. Until now. I must have checked the website at least 5+ times daily. I've had the craziest insomnia for about a month just thinking about it. I would stay up simply planning for what I had thought would be my future. The people I'd be with, where I'd live, the things I'd be a part of. I'd scheme and scheme and scheme, I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish in the next 4 years. Over this past month I essentially developed a sort of tunnel vision, but what do you do when the tunnel ends? Despite the odds being stacked against me, I'm still in disbelief. I imagined a life so perfect ahead, and in one sentence a total stranger has shot me down. It's almost as if a part of me has died on the inside. So where do I go from here? I honestly loathe all of the other options open to me. I have to persist but even then it might not be enough.
What does it take? I'll give it everything I've got
Waiting for our eyes to fall in rest.
Remember when we used to think
That all of our childhood dreams would fall into place
By some heavenly grace.
But now I can see I've made a big mistake"
It's hard to believe. Waiting day in and day out thinking about the same thing, checking up on it multiple times daily. When you finally get an answer, its what you feared the most. I believed that, against all odds, the one thing I wanted the most right now would come to me simply because I desperately prayed for it. I stood by idly, waiting week after week after, meeting one wave of rejection after the other, only to feel apathetic to every last one. Until now. I must have checked the website at least 5+ times daily. I've had the craziest insomnia for about a month just thinking about it. I would stay up simply planning for what I had thought would be my future. The people I'd be with, where I'd live, the things I'd be a part of. I'd scheme and scheme and scheme, I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish in the next 4 years. Over this past month I essentially developed a sort of tunnel vision, but what do you do when the tunnel ends? Despite the odds being stacked against me, I'm still in disbelief. I imagined a life so perfect ahead, and in one sentence a total stranger has shot me down. It's almost as if a part of me has died on the inside. So where do I go from here? I honestly loathe all of the other options open to me. I have to persist but even then it might not be enough.
What does it take? I'll give it everything I've got
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