I'm getting anxious for March
I'm hoping for at least ONE yes
Monday, February 25, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Breathe Deep
"This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky!...That's when mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch."
-Calvin and Hobbes
ahh another weekend over in a blur
-Calvin and Hobbes
ahh another weekend over in a blur
Monday, February 4, 2008
Hello Color Red
"I've lost touch of everything that means anything to me
My friends always forgive me.
We become too brave and quick
A little clever, a little numb.
We could stare a lover in the eyes and lie
"Yes I don't feel anything at all."
And I could say
That I have everything I need right now.
I hope you're proud you liar.
But it's late
The weight of all my emptiness comes crashing down on me.
I'm terrified I can't recollect the faces that once kept me warm.
They wait back home.
Time takes its toll on me
I used to be so obvious with all my words
But at least I was honest.
Tennis courts and makers
And paperback best sellers
I want to be home
I want to be myself again."
My friends always forgive me.
We become too brave and quick
A little clever, a little numb.
We could stare a lover in the eyes and lie
"Yes I don't feel anything at all."
And I could say
That I have everything I need right now.
I hope you're proud you liar.
But it's late
The weight of all my emptiness comes crashing down on me.
I'm terrified I can't recollect the faces that once kept me warm.
They wait back home.
Time takes its toll on me
I used to be so obvious with all my words
But at least I was honest.
Tennis courts and makers
And paperback best sellers
I want to be home
I want to be myself again."
Monday, January 28, 2008
Ex's and Oh's
This weekend has been...wow...
I'm apologizing in advance for blowing my steam here but I had to do it somewhere.
It was sort of surreal. Having a few days worth of sheer anxiety/excitement turn into pure anger in an instant. I normally consider myself a pretty tolerant person. For the first time, I actually felt the urge to kick someone's ass while talking to them: to feel the desire to straight up tell them to shut their fucking mouth and knock them out. I've never had that sort of urge, its unbelievable to think I had it in Key Club. I've never had to dwell on just simply anger for so long. I couldn't believe some of the things that went through my head; I almost cussed him out on the spot and quit KC. I still can't believe what had happened. I was getting punished for a fault that was out of my control, and for a problem I had already solved. I thought this was a club for building leadership and service? I still have yet to see how being punished for the organization's problems and subsequently having 20+ would've-been audience members leave a fund raiser could possibly serve a purpose. Worst of all, why should I be punished AFTER I've finished all of my preparations. I spent over ten hours practicing, over two hours making a song, and an hour just getting together all my materials.
To make it short, I wasted my entire Thursday, Friday, and Saturday practicing for NOTHING.
I would like to thank you for:
-Wasting about 15 hours of my time
-Wasting collectively 60 hours of my friends' time practicing
-Essentially wasting our ENTIRE WEEKEND
-Wasting the gas and time of over 20 people who were coming from Cupertino, Santa Clara, San Jose, and San Mateo
-Wasting the $30 or so I spent purchasing props for the competition.
-Wasting the money I spent RUSH MAILING our dues
-Wasting the 0 score I received on my Physiology essay which I held off preparing for the event.
-Leaving many of my club members bitter towards your organization.
-Choosing to ignore my very thorough and reasonable explanation as well as your own peers' words to change your mind.
Yeah...this weekend hasn't been cool
I'm apologizing in advance for blowing my steam here but I had to do it somewhere.
It was sort of surreal. Having a few days worth of sheer anxiety/excitement turn into pure anger in an instant. I normally consider myself a pretty tolerant person. For the first time, I actually felt the urge to kick someone's ass while talking to them: to feel the desire to straight up tell them to shut their fucking mouth and knock them out. I've never had that sort of urge, its unbelievable to think I had it in Key Club. I've never had to dwell on just simply anger for so long. I couldn't believe some of the things that went through my head; I almost cussed him out on the spot and quit KC. I still can't believe what had happened. I was getting punished for a fault that was out of my control, and for a problem I had already solved. I thought this was a club for building leadership and service? I still have yet to see how being punished for the organization's problems and subsequently having 20+ would've-been audience members leave a fund raiser could possibly serve a purpose. Worst of all, why should I be punished AFTER I've finished all of my preparations. I spent over ten hours practicing, over two hours making a song, and an hour just getting together all my materials.
To make it short, I wasted my entire Thursday, Friday, and Saturday practicing for NOTHING.
I would like to thank you for:
-Wasting about 15 hours of my time
-Wasting collectively 60 hours of my friends' time practicing
-Essentially wasting our ENTIRE WEEKEND
-Wasting the gas and time of over 20 people who were coming from Cupertino, Santa Clara, San Jose, and San Mateo
-Wasting the $30 or so I spent purchasing props for the competition.
-Wasting the money I spent RUSH MAILING our dues
-Wasting the 0 score I received on my Physiology essay which I held off preparing for the event.
-Leaving many of my club members bitter towards your organization.
-Choosing to ignore my very thorough and reasonable explanation as well as your own peers' words to change your mind.
Yeah...this weekend hasn't been cool
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Chasing Fireflies
It's 12:30 AM and I don't have anything to do, but I don't wanna sleep either so I guess I'll write a post. Second semester sure is going swell. Apps are totally finished, my grades turned out exactly how I thought they would, and this semester is really easy so far. I honestly don't even mind going to school now, cause everything just feels so stress free (minus Lerner). Whatever happens when acceptances/rejections come out I don't think I'll mind too much. The only thing stressing me out right now is getting all my shit together for Mr. Key Club but its not like theres horrible consequences if I don't do well. Finally got a chance to really enjoy the clubhouse with TAG today, cooked ramen and played random games. Once we get the TV in it'll be all good.
Most of all, this semester I've been able to keep the thought of her from my mind. It hasn't been easy. I sort of had to force myself not to think about her, but I'm not as unstable as I was last semester. No more long drives with emo music or random tearing. She doesn't conquer my thoughts 90% of the day anymore. After eight months of trying it looks like I'm finally ready to let go. It does make me sad that I don't talk to her as much as I used to though, but I knew that the feelings I had would eventually compromise our friendship somehow. I guess theres nothing left to do but move on and hope whatever comes next will be good for me; I just hope I'll never have to go through this again. Theres a lot of tension I don't feel anymore, I've easily been able to stop smoking since the day she left. I do have to admit though, that I never figured out whether or not she felt the same way and I wonder from time to time.
Despite all this optimism, I have to admit I'm still scared to graduate. I won't see 99% of the kids in school ever again after that day. I've noticed a lot of people are starting to cling tighter to those who mean the most to them and drifting away from everyone else. I guess I'm not the only one who's scared. I've noticed that I'm close to very few non-TAG people. It doesn't bug me at all that I tend to hang out with the same few people nearly everyday.
Enough thoughts for now, sleep soon!
Most of all, this semester I've been able to keep the thought of her from my mind. It hasn't been easy. I sort of had to force myself not to think about her, but I'm not as unstable as I was last semester. No more long drives with emo music or random tearing. She doesn't conquer my thoughts 90% of the day anymore. After eight months of trying it looks like I'm finally ready to let go. It does make me sad that I don't talk to her as much as I used to though, but I knew that the feelings I had would eventually compromise our friendship somehow. I guess theres nothing left to do but move on and hope whatever comes next will be good for me; I just hope I'll never have to go through this again. Theres a lot of tension I don't feel anymore, I've easily been able to stop smoking since the day she left. I do have to admit though, that I never figured out whether or not she felt the same way and I wonder from time to time.
Despite all this optimism, I have to admit I'm still scared to graduate. I won't see 99% of the kids in school ever again after that day. I've noticed a lot of people are starting to cling tighter to those who mean the most to them and drifting away from everyone else. I guess I'm not the only one who's scared. I've noticed that I'm close to very few non-TAG people. It doesn't bug me at all that I tend to hang out with the same few people nearly everyday.
Enough thoughts for now, sleep soon!
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