Letters to You

"Can I just hold on to you tonight?
Can I just hold on to you and make this right?
I'll take apart what is left and leave it
I've come to see that I'll never make it on my own."

This is the letter I wanted to write to you, but didn't have the courage to.

I write here knowing you'll never read this, but rather only three of my closest friends will. I never had the courage to tell you how I really felt about you beyond a simple "I like you," but that alone took months just to say. I never got to tell you this January marks the eighth month that you've held a place in my heart, even though I've been trying to let go in a dozen ways since the first, knowing that you could never feel the same way. I never could say how it hurts me every time someone considers us a couple or asks if we're gonna be going out soon, when I know the feelings aren't mutual. I never could say that I'd never been willing to try long distance relationships until I began to care for you. I never could tell you that the day you left for Seattle was the first time I've cried since the fourth grade. I've been thinking and I haven't been able to think of a better night of my life than Winter Ball, and it bugs me that I can't bring you to Senior Prom. I never could tell you that my best sleep this break wasn't sleeping in until the middle of the afternoon, but rather the times I could wake up next to you, even if I was staring at the ceiling most of the night. I never told you that I spent over a week contemplating a Christmas gift for you. I never told you that I know over fifty songs that remind me of you. I never told you that I pass your street almost everyday and I never can resist the urge to look down at your house as I pass by. Whenever I'm outside at night, I try to spot Venus. I've never been able to pinpoint what it is that keeps me attached to the thought of you. I've never told you that when I'm with you I feel a certain happiness that I've never felt with anyone else, even if I can't bring you that same feeling. I've found that spending time with you takes away all of my worries, even after getting destroyed on a final. I've never told you that when I'm with you I feel a certain anxiety simply because I want to hold you but I can't. I've never told you that you're the closest thing I've ever met to my imaginary dream girl. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in love, and if this isn't it then I'm absolutely terrified of how it must feel. I couldn't give you this letter because I don't want to thoughts of me to become a burden for you like thoughts of you are for me. I understand you have a new life there and I'm not a part of the picture as much as I'd like to be, but I don't want to become a compromise on your newfound happiness. While I'm secretly glad you haven't met anyone special there, I hope that what I've told you doesn't stop you from taking any chances. I've spent over ten hours on my UW application and I'll be submitting it soon and praying for the best, but I know I can't let these feelings guide my future. Tonight marked the fourth time I've had to say goodbye to you and it doesn't get easier each time. This will be the first time I have to wait more than a month to see you again. I'm sorry I could never find the courage to tell you all these things but I only did so for your own good. Thanks for giving me two of the best weeks of my life, and I hope you never forget there's a boy back home thinking about you.