Deserts Eating Oceans

"We sleep alone in our beds
Waiting for our eyes to fall in rest.
Remember when we used to think
That all of our childhood dreams would fall into place
By some heavenly grace.
But now I can see I've made a big mistake"

It's hard to believe. Waiting day in and day out thinking about the same thing, checking up on it multiple times daily. When you finally get an answer, its what you feared the most. I believed that, against all odds, the one thing I wanted the most right now would come to me simply because I desperately prayed for it. I stood by idly, waiting week after week after, meeting one wave of rejection after the other, only to feel apathetic to every last one. Until now. I must have checked the website at least 5+ times daily. I've had the craziest insomnia for about a month just thinking about it. I would stay up simply planning for what I had thought would be my future. The people I'd be with, where I'd live, the things I'd be a part of. I'd scheme and scheme and scheme, I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish in the next 4 years. Over this past month I essentially developed a sort of tunnel vision, but what do you do when the tunnel ends? Despite the odds being stacked against me, I'm still in disbelief. I imagined a life so perfect ahead, and in one sentence a total stranger has shot me down. It's almost as if a part of me has died on the inside. So where do I go from here? I honestly loathe all of the other options open to me. I have to persist but even then it might not be enough.

What does it take? I'll give it everything I've got

Release Me

"If you'd get next to me and help me find simplicity.
Then you could be the one to take me, to break me
And flood my soul.
Could you be the one to release me?
Waiting for your love to free me, so release me"

Hot Import Nights was definitely an awesome experience. Going for sure next year(possibly entering a car?). I don't think I enjoyed looking at cars and girls as much as it was simply spending time with my friends. Two of them I never see enough. As graduation comes closer and closer I really am scared. It'd be real awesome if we could look at it like the end of middle school; we're going to different schools but we'll still be around. When I graduated 8th grade I only had one friend move away, Ian. Surprisingly, I had a really long talk with him today about a lot of things. I'm surprised we managed to maintain our friendship throughout high school despite him living in another state. Will I be able to have this with all my friends?

The way things are, half my friends will be gone because they're simply way smarter than me. I don't fear college rejection as much as I fear putting distance between me and my friends. Even if I goto De Anza, chances are Dan, Shawn, and Allen will be the only ones sticking around. If I goto sac state I'll prob be all alone unless Dan goes. Those're really the only options I have so far.

I've been having the most insane insomnia lately. I haven't fallen asleep in less than an hour and a half in bed in more than a week. I've been thinking about so many things: friends, school, girls, cars, the future, etc. I'm only writing this blog right now cause its soothing and could possibly help me sleep. A good thing thats come from this insomnia though, is that I've started reading books.

I've got so many things I want to do. I want to make a lot more videos before graduation. I want to finish some games. I want to get in shape. Theres only so much time left in second semester.

Enough thoughts for today. Goodnight

Life is Like a Boat

"I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along
I will follow and keep you strong"

So Friday I got my first rejection letter. Even though I put 0 effort into the application I will admit that I'm really disappointed. They actually took the time to tell me that I was good in all areas except for grades, which is essentially the only thing stopping me from getting in to almost all the schools on my list.
I'm starting to get really antsy, I've been checking application status sites just about everyday.

On a brighter note, my birthday is coming and I'm really hoping I can get the Evo X. I've been slowly getting more and more obsessive with the thought of it. Buying magazines, watching videos, reading up on tuning. Oh and going to Hot Import Nights with TAG next saturday! Speaking of TAG, maybe new vid this week...

And I played badminton today...exciting!
I totally pwned my mom