Stick To Your Vision

I'm glad to be where I am now,
I'm glad for change.

I've finally finished picking up all the pieces of myself that were broken up and scattered all over. The soul that she tore apart piece by piece and stepped on. Someday I'll finish reconstructing the man that I was, polished to become the man I want to be.

The biggest mistake I've made in my life, I'm glad it's out. Now I just need to grab hold of my dreams again, find a new direction for myself. I don't need a female to be happy with my life. I need to learn to love Marvin Ho again. I need to learn to love TAG again. I've forgotten all my dreams in the past nine months so I owe it to myself to find them again.

Time to hold tight, work hard
Get to my final destination

Freewriting

Nostalgia
I step back and collect my deepest deepest memories
I facebook kids I haven't seen since I was 4 feet tall
and dig through old photos to decorate my wall.
It's so hard to believe you live your whole life in one shell.
I've put on 1000 different outfits
Had 100 different personalities
10 different images
All endured by 1 body.
It's almost as if I can't believe I was the person I was before 2009.
There's parts of my past self I still wish I had or could be
And there's past selves I'd like to backhand.
I face each regret, too many to count.
I try to put myself in the mindset of the time wondering.
Faded friendships are hollow reminders of wrong turns
And old flames are looming burnt out candles.
I'll hit an occasion thinking of people I haven't seen in months, years.
Then sleep.
Suddenly I come face to face with a shadow whose existence I'm not reminded of daily.
They'll tell me we used to mean so much to each other,
Tell me why can't we at least keep in touch.
We used to see each other everyday now it's hard to talk more than once a year?
I might see myself in the present or future with the chain between us unbroken.
They could fill a void that is present or bump out someone in their place.
Wake up suddenly to an alarm
Ponder for no more than 5 seconds before I forget about them and move onto daily life.
These memories are not just of people.
I genuinely miss high school so badly it hurts.
Why is it we spend 4 years with people following the same purpose only for each of us to have a different one afterwards?
It's been nearly a year since I was supposed to move on from that life and I still haven't.
I'm meant to change myself again in preparation for the daunting adulthood ahead.
I dwell on each wrong decision.
Each day I wake up to a shiny purple football helmet by my bedside.
It is still scratched all over and even contains traces of paint from opposing helmets.
I imagine myself running with 11 guys chasing me
But that was only a halfway reality.
If I were to write a list of every bad decision I've made it wouldn't end.
Today I named seven people to my girlfriend.
Seven people I thought would be attending my 30th birthday.
I'd be lucky if all seven showed up.
I have a lot of good friends
But there's the crippling fear of the reality they won't make it to my future.
I can never lose my attachment to anything.
From plain sight in the middle of my room I can see everything
The pictures of every high school formal I've ever been to, all the books I read in my childhood, every name tag I received from a key club event, stuffed animals I've had since age 5 and a pile of video games.
Is life like video games?
Not in that way
But that we just move from one to the next, living completely differently as we shift
I've been so many people but at the same time only one person
So who am I now?
My name is Marvin Ho. I am an 18 year-old community college student. I have no major or idea of my career path. I have a beautiful girlfriend and today is my 5 month anniversary with her. I am a mediocre popper and b-boy but dream of being on America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance. I collect toys and shoes but don't quite have the financial backing for the latter. I own a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X and drive it speed limit out of fear of cops. I have two level 80 World of Warcraft characters and I almost have a third, using the game as my only connection to many of my friends who've moved away.
Today, I sat on my living room couch for 10 hours to play Persona 4, a video game in which I live another life.
Am I who I should be?

The Humpty Dance

I figure since I build this whole blog around music anyway, I should do what I've been meaning to do for a long time. It's been on my mind recently to make a list of my top 50 favorite songs. There's no real purpose other than for fun and to have it written in front of me. kek in order:

1.The Light - Common
2.Empty Apartment - Yellowcard
3.Faithful - Common ft. Bilal and John Legend
4.Miss January - The Procussions ft. Talib Kweli
5.Luv Sic Pt. 2 - Shing02
6.Can't Stop This - The Roots
7.Love Letters - The Perceptionists
8.Just Let Go - Mae
9.Simply Starving to Be Safe - Daphne Loves Derby
10.reflection eternal - Nujabes
11.Miss You - M-flo ft. Melody and Ryohei Yamamoto
12.On Top - Mae
13.Crazy 8s- Mae
14.1st Love - Murs
15.Dear Mama - 2pac
16.Gentlemen Don't - Gabe Bondoc
17.Rock and Roll (Could Never Hip Hop Like This)Part 2- Handsome Boy Modeling School
18.Watch the Sky - Something Corporate
19.Lady Brown - Nujabes ft. Cise Starr
20.Do For Love - 2pac
21.Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard
22.Count It Down - Nomak ft. Zion I
23.Break Up (The OJ Song) - Murs
24.Love & Appreciate - Murs
25.Love Me After 12 AM - M-flo ft. Alex
26.Hikari - Nujabes ft. Substantial
27.Song In My Head - Sherwood
28.Blind Love - Emanon
29.Happiness - The Foreign Exchange
30.Livin' a Lie - The Dream ft. Rihanna
31.Stay With Me - Finch
32.Fighters - Lupe Fiasco ft. Matthew Santos
33.You Know What Time It Is? - Teriyaki Boyz
34.Geishas in the Days - Nomak ft. Pismo
35.Whatever You Say - Little Brother ft. 9th Wonder
36.Long Walk Home - This Day and Age
37.Hope - Twista ft. Faith Evans
38.Special - Strange Fruit Project
39.Hip Hop Saved My Life - Lupe Fiasco ft. Nikki Jean
40.Superstar - Floetry ft. Common
41.Pollen and Salt - Daphne Loves Derby
42.All I Have - Jennifer Lopez ft. LL Cool J
43.Each Day Gets Better - John Legend
44.Memory of Melodies - DJ Deckstream ft. Dred Scott and Adriana Evans
45.All Around the World (Same Song) - Digital Underground ft. 2pac
46.First Single - The Format
47.What It Is To Burn - Finch
48.Keep It in The Pockets - DJ Deckstream ft. Talib Kweli
49.Talk to Me - George Nozuka
50.Acid Raindrops - People Under The Stairs

So random, I need to go to sleep.

Radical Dreamers ~ Unstealable Jewel

Here it is, the moment of truth. The end of this week marks the crossroad that's been awaiting me all summer. In a short stretch of days I'll see all but a handful of my closest friends depart to find things that I thought I would too at this time. When I think about it though, I don't think I'm ready for the experience. A part of me says that I'm fine staying at this place longer. Taking a different path than most people, I'll need to figure out why I was meant to stay here.

I held picking a college off for the most part because I didn't know what I wanted. Last fall I applied to over twenty schools, essentially every single one that even mildly sparked my interest. In the end I made a fool of myself when I got into over a dozen of them, and yet I didn't want to go to any of those. I halfheartedly committed myself to Riverside, a school I almost didn't even apply to. Well here I am, about to start my fall quarter at De Anza after dropping my contract to UCR, but what progress have I made? I still have no plan for the future, and I don't know what school I even want to transfer to. "Transfer Planning" isn't so smooth when you don't have a goal to plan towards.

Depressing thoughts aside, this summer has been amazing. Senior year had been everything I had hoped for and more, and this summer met every last one of my expectations. I spent all of senior year hyping the "Big Final Summer" and it has been the greatest experience of my life. Carefree, exciting, and heartwarming. Epic sausagefest sleepovers, BBQs at Alan's, ghetto adventures, treal talks over cold beer, LAN parties, adventures in Azeroth. I honestly could not ask for more. This is the first time a summer has ended and I'm 110% content. TAGlove <3 for real.
This summer has gone on so long it's hard to believe its real. I can barely even remember what was happening at the end of senior year. Sadly in a week I can't taunt people about going to school anymore. I've discovered so much about myself, friendships, and relationships. Things are looking up, despite the sadness that seems to be traced to this time of year.
Just remember it's not goodbye, it's see you later

Letter from Yokosuka

What am I doing? When did July suddenly arrive, is summer really this much over? I don't believe I've accomplished anything in the month of June.

It was a good choice not to go anywhere for vacation, but if it weren't for the heat I'd really wish I was in Japan right now. My trip to Japan last winter felt so refreshing. I didn't have a single thought of schoolwork or any other stresses while I was there. I miss sitting in my small bedroom at the top floor of my aunt's karaoke bar, looking over magazines and listening to my new music and pondering senseless things. I need another escape.

Why am I so stricken with doubt these days. So many doubts from every direction I feel like I can't be happy in any way. Things haven't changed and I'm still indecisive. I feel like I'm hitting one of the pitfalls I used to have so much junior year. Despite being surrounded by people everyday, I feel really alone and I haven't figured out why. Theres so many bad feelings I have that I can't explain. It seems like nobody's close to me anymore. I want someone to have a midnight drive with me or stay out somewhere for hours just so we can talk about everything thats happening in our lives. It's so rare I can actually have good conversation with someone these days, everyones caught up in something else. I purposely opted not to work or study this summer because I wanted it to be something special, but I feel like everyone else has something tying them up and I'm back alone at square one. I want to become closer to people I've drifted from but they all have someone to be with or something to be doing. I'm stuck alone these days and pass time with dota and senseless driving. I don't even sleep in cause I need to, I just know there isn't anywhere for me to be when I wake up. I somehow imagined this summer to be so much better but I end up feeling crummy everyday. I want someone to intervene, to spend a lot of time with me and show that they genuinely care. I once had people who would do that but they're all too busy now, and its not really their fault. Maybe I don't reach out enough to the people who matter these days. Then again, a lot of these people have changed too.

I guess I have goals for this summer: build dancing skills, especially in breaking and choreography. I also need to learn to cook. Most importantly I need to make more videos. I started reading books too. It's something to pass time with I guess. I don't feel bored in the sense that I'm not doing anything these days, but more so that people aren't doing anything I feel like. It feels like 90% of what I'm invited to do is either drink/watch movies and I just don't feel like either most of the time. It's pretty cliche for people to say there's nothing to do in Cupertino, but realistically theres just as much to do here as there is anywhere else if you're willing to look hard enough and stretch your boundaries. I want to find some new things to do. To whoever's actually bothered to read all this: give me a call cause it seems you care.

Graduation (Friends Forever)

So this is it, the end of high school. I'm about to break into a long emotional blog post and whether or not anyone reads this I don't care because this is more for my own reflection. I'm gonna copy a lot of this on facebook but this is more in depth.

When they say high school is the best 4 years of your life, I don't have a single doubt about the truth behind it. I've learned a hundred times more about myself these past 4 years than I have the first 14. I've never thought about this day coming until just this past week or so. I'm actually going to graduate high school. In 3 months I'll be leaving the house and I'm never gonna sit in a non-college classroom again. I'm gonna be growing up, trying my best to take care of myself. I'm just gonna miss the little things in high school. Coming home and logging on aim, holding off hw to do stupid things. I'm gonna miss rallies, I'm gonna miss dances. I think even having a crush on a girl will feel different from now on. I'm indefinitely gonna change in the near future. It's sad to say my friends will too, and no matter how hard I try to avoid it I'll become distanced from most of them. However, the future is inevitable and after this blog and tomorrow's ceremony I'll have to move full speed toward the inevitable.

So let's take a warp back in time: how exactly do I feel about each of the past 4 years?

Freshman year I was still at Harker. I was caught in the loop of immaturity and sheltering which sadly still plagues a lot of kids back there. I have to admit, I was a pretty big asshole. I thought a little more of myself than I rightfully should've and I'm thankful that I left Harker so I could be set on the right path. It's not to say everyone there is like what I was but I needed a change to make a change. This isn't to say freshman year was all negativity. The mistakes taught me to avoid them in the future. Not to play girls, not to ever put things that don't matter before your friends. After most of my friends left to other high schools after middle school I became closer to certain people who I'll treasure forever. The summer before freshman year was when I really became best friends with Dan and I'm glad we're still inseparable after 4 years. I was lucky enough to make friends at MV before I transferred in or else I would've been a total outcast. I'm glad I left Harker, but at the same time I wouldn't change this part of my past if I had the chance.

Sophomore year was a huge smack in the face for me. Going from a school of 500 kids to 2400 was a shock. I came in and most the people around me didn't like me. I can't blame them cause I was off but I guess it helped me become who I am. I spent too much of this year obsessing over random little crushes and desperately trying to fit in. At the end of the year I was able to find a lot of my faults and it was around this time I made most of my most precious friends. I still reminisce of constantly walking around everywhere with Allen, Sam, and Koji.

Commercial break here for TAG SUMMER. The summer after sophomore year was without a doubt the biggest turnaround of my high school career. That summer I received my license and became closer to my friends at school, met the toga guys who would soon become some of my closest friends, and became more involved in Key Club. With these setting the foundation, I decided it was time to set permanence in friendship with TAG. Before the founding of TAG I was somewhat of a nomad. I was never especially close to a crowd of friends before this point. I spent the summer going to Leslie's nearly everyday and meeting up with the to-be founders. Fourth of July came, and during the barbecue at Alan's old house we decided to found it. Since then TAG has become the focal point of my life, a brotherhood I live and die for. I understand for some of the members its become pretty whatever but to me TAG is a reminder that I always have a group of close friends who'll support through everything. As we split this upcoming year I hope that we can hold our strong bond no matter what it takes.

Junior year had to have been undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I made the horrible mistake of signing up for 4 AP/honors classes and proceeded to fail nearly all of them. I couldn't get along with Coach Mueller and dropped out of football, which had been one of my greatest passions up until that point. I liked the same girl for nearly the entire year, despite the hopelessness. Through these struggles, I believe that this year was when I truly matured into the person I can confidently call an adult (despite my kiddish spirit). I owe it to TAG for keeping me sane through this year when everything seemed like it was falling apart.

Senior year, 180 degree change. This past year has definitely been the BEST year of my life. Schoolwork erased from my life as a plague. I barely tried at all this year and got better grades than I did working hard in junior year. This allowed me to spend time doing what mattered most, spending time with my friends. I've been so carefree this year it feels almost like a break from reality. I treasure each moment of high school because I realize each experience will be my last time having it. I've grown closer and closer to my friends and I can't be happy enough. Despite having to face some emotional issues for the first semester, I was able to resolve it and ultimately become stronger in the end. This year will allow me to move forward into the future with a bright smile on my face.

So here I am at the end of my senior year. Last rally is past, senior prom is past, I have no more classes. In less than 18 hours I'll be sitting on the Monta Vista bleachers in a purple gown being told in the most optimistic fashion about my future. A future which I'm still not sure of. So am I content with my high school experience? Very. Do I have regrets? Plenty. I regret not trying hard enough to get into any of the schools I wanted. I regret never having a strong relationship with a girl. I regret quitting football which I still have a passion for. Regrets are the past and they're just stepping stones not speed bumps. So here it is before me, the end of "the best 4 years of my life." I have mixed feelings about whether or not I'm ready but like I said, its inevitable.

Goodbye High School. Let's make this summer freakin rad

Provocations of Starman Jr.

Indecision indecision

Its like I always feel like this. For better or worse I have a lot of big choices to make soon. I have so many questions but theres nobody all-knowing to answer them. I don't want high school to end. I don't want to move away. I don't want to see my friends move away. I don't want to grow up. I always feel like theres things nagging on me when there really isn't that much to be worried about. Everyones been telling me my life is perfect right now but is it really? Through some miracle I've been matched with one of the coolest, most gorgeous girls I've ever met. I have a car that catches glances everywhere I go. But can I say that a girl and a car make me completely content with my life? never. Just a few months ago, I felt like I was completely in control of my life. I enjoyed everyday to the fullest and embraced it. I feel like I'm just droning through each day now, counting down, now 4 more days before I never return to MV again except for graduation and future visits. Each day just feels like a waste of life. I wake up, go to school where I'm not being taught anything anymore, and then come home and waste time until I pass out. My mom insists on me moving out, believing wherever I go in life I'll be a failure so its not worth trying. I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing with the rest of my life. I've set myself on these different paths but each choice I make will put me closer to some goals and close out others. Why can't there be an answer for everything?

Someday I'm waking up with sunshine in my eyes