The self-portrait has become whole.
The blurring has been wiped out I'm thinking straight now
I will forget you exist
That you came in and ruined my life.
Our memories are absolute nothingness now.
You're just a filthy slut who I made the mistake of being with
I will no longer allow you to manipulate me
My life is mine
Cry Cry 届けない想い抱いて泣いて泣いても悔しいだけ
The time is over ! Time is over!なげいても無意味だった
ちぎれてったクソくらえ思い出なんか
Wake up reborn
The real version of me
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Pain
I'm a single Asian male, dark hair, light eyes.
Long walks through the park and a lot of them lies
I'm a little bit jaded by a lot of what I see
So if you're still interested you should come and get at me
Cause I'm tired of getting shot down, put down, and dissed.
I wanna be picked up, held tight, and kissed.
But things like this don't happen to dudes like me
Cause I'm more Coldplay than I am Ice-T
They say that good girls love bad guys, and that might be
But a bad girl with a good guy that's unlikely
So what's a man to do to get to hold hands with you?
Do I talk shit, stand, and look hard with my crew?
I don't know what to do so I drown in my drink
It helps to numb the pain
Cause when I sit and think about it
Eyes get clouded, thoughts get crowded.
So I'mma sit right here and wait for you to talk about it
It's a easy let down but don't let it get you down
That's what my boys told me
But end of the night I was still sitting lonely
If only I could find 'em
Without all the drama, without the one liners
Excuse me miss, hey ma, you got a man? What's your name
I'm almost in my 20s so enough with the games
Simply put I think you're stunning, and what about some kids?
Couple dogs, couple cars, a four bedroom crib
I'm not trying to jib I'm just speaking from the heart
But we can start with a drink if you wanna play it smart
And good women in my life, there's only been two
My mother being one, and the other one is done
So my philosophy on dating is ain't no fun.
I've had this song for a couple years now but I've never actually listened to it. It came up on my shuffle while driving today. I normally skip over it but I decided to because of the mellow sound. It really spoke out to me, every part of it, not just the quoted. Murs is one of my favorite artists so I'm surprised I never listened to all his songs closely. I was really touched I've been listening to it on repeat all day.
Long walks through the park and a lot of them lies
I'm a little bit jaded by a lot of what I see
So if you're still interested you should come and get at me
Cause I'm tired of getting shot down, put down, and dissed.
I wanna be picked up, held tight, and kissed.
But things like this don't happen to dudes like me
Cause I'm more Coldplay than I am Ice-T
They say that good girls love bad guys, and that might be
But a bad girl with a good guy that's unlikely
So what's a man to do to get to hold hands with you?
Do I talk shit, stand, and look hard with my crew?
I don't know what to do so I drown in my drink
It helps to numb the pain
Cause when I sit and think about it
Eyes get clouded, thoughts get crowded.
So I'mma sit right here and wait for you to talk about it
It's a easy let down but don't let it get you down
That's what my boys told me
But end of the night I was still sitting lonely
If only I could find 'em
Without all the drama, without the one liners
Excuse me miss, hey ma, you got a man? What's your name
I'm almost in my 20s so enough with the games
Simply put I think you're stunning, and what about some kids?
Couple dogs, couple cars, a four bedroom crib
I'm not trying to jib I'm just speaking from the heart
But we can start with a drink if you wanna play it smart
And good women in my life, there's only been two
My mother being one, and the other one is done
So my philosophy on dating is ain't no fun.
I've had this song for a couple years now but I've never actually listened to it. It came up on my shuffle while driving today. I normally skip over it but I decided to because of the mellow sound. It really spoke out to me, every part of it, not just the quoted. Murs is one of my favorite artists so I'm surprised I never listened to all his songs closely. I was really touched I've been listening to it on repeat all day.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Stick To Your Vision
I'm glad to be where I am now,
I'm glad for change.
I've finally finished picking up all the pieces of myself that were broken up and scattered all over. The soul that she tore apart piece by piece and stepped on. Someday I'll finish reconstructing the man that I was, polished to become the man I want to be.
The biggest mistake I've made in my life, I'm glad it's out. Now I just need to grab hold of my dreams again, find a new direction for myself. I don't need a female to be happy with my life. I need to learn to love Marvin Ho again. I need to learn to love TAG again. I've forgotten all my dreams in the past nine months so I owe it to myself to find them again.
Time to hold tight, work hard
Get to my final destination
I'm glad for change.
I've finally finished picking up all the pieces of myself that were broken up and scattered all over. The soul that she tore apart piece by piece and stepped on. Someday I'll finish reconstructing the man that I was, polished to become the man I want to be.
The biggest mistake I've made in my life, I'm glad it's out. Now I just need to grab hold of my dreams again, find a new direction for myself. I don't need a female to be happy with my life. I need to learn to love Marvin Ho again. I need to learn to love TAG again. I've forgotten all my dreams in the past nine months so I owe it to myself to find them again.
Time to hold tight, work hard
Get to my final destination
Monday, February 23, 2009
Freewriting
Nostalgia
I step back and collect my deepest deepest memories
I facebook kids I haven't seen since I was 4 feet tall
and dig through old photos to decorate my wall.
It's so hard to believe you live your whole life in one shell.
I've put on 1000 different outfits
Had 100 different personalities
10 different images
All endured by 1 body.
It's almost as if I can't believe I was the person I was before 2009.
There's parts of my past self I still wish I had or could be
And there's past selves I'd like to backhand.
I face each regret, too many to count.
I try to put myself in the mindset of the time wondering.
Faded friendships are hollow reminders of wrong turns
And old flames are looming burnt out candles.
I'll hit an occasion thinking of people I haven't seen in months, years.
Then sleep.
Suddenly I come face to face with a shadow whose existence I'm not reminded of daily.
They'll tell me we used to mean so much to each other,
Tell me why can't we at least keep in touch.
We used to see each other everyday now it's hard to talk more than once a year?
I might see myself in the present or future with the chain between us unbroken.
They could fill a void that is present or bump out someone in their place.
Wake up suddenly to an alarm
Ponder for no more than 5 seconds before I forget about them and move onto daily life.
These memories are not just of people.
I genuinely miss high school so badly it hurts.
Why is it we spend 4 years with people following the same purpose only for each of us to have a different one afterwards?
It's been nearly a year since I was supposed to move on from that life and I still haven't.
I'm meant to change myself again in preparation for the daunting adulthood ahead.
I dwell on each wrong decision.
Each day I wake up to a shiny purple football helmet by my bedside.
It is still scratched all over and even contains traces of paint from opposing helmets.
I imagine myself running with 11 guys chasing me
But that was only a halfway reality.
If I were to write a list of every bad decision I've made it wouldn't end.
Today I named seven people to my girlfriend.
Seven people I thought would be attending my 30th birthday.
I'd be lucky if all seven showed up.
I have a lot of good friends
But there's the crippling fear of the reality they won't make it to my future.
I can never lose my attachment to anything.
From plain sight in the middle of my room I can see everything
The pictures of every high school formal I've ever been to, all the books I read in my childhood, every name tag I received from a key club event, stuffed animals I've had since age 5 and a pile of video games.
Is life like video games?
Not in that way
But that we just move from one to the next, living completely differently as we shift
I've been so many people but at the same time only one person
So who am I now?
My name is Marvin Ho. I am an 18 year-old community college student. I have no major or idea of my career path. I have a beautiful girlfriend and today is my 5 month anniversary with her. I am a mediocre popper and b-boy but dream of being on America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance. I collect toys and shoes but don't quite have the financial backing for the latter. I own a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X and drive it speed limit out of fear of cops. I have two level 80 World of Warcraft characters and I almost have a third, using the game as my only connection to many of my friends who've moved away.
Today, I sat on my living room couch for 10 hours to play Persona 4, a video game in which I live another life.
Am I who I should be?
I step back and collect my deepest deepest memories
I facebook kids I haven't seen since I was 4 feet tall
and dig through old photos to decorate my wall.
It's so hard to believe you live your whole life in one shell.
I've put on 1000 different outfits
Had 100 different personalities
10 different images
All endured by 1 body.
It's almost as if I can't believe I was the person I was before 2009.
There's parts of my past self I still wish I had or could be
And there's past selves I'd like to backhand.
I face each regret, too many to count.
I try to put myself in the mindset of the time wondering.
Faded friendships are hollow reminders of wrong turns
And old flames are looming burnt out candles.
I'll hit an occasion thinking of people I haven't seen in months, years.
Then sleep.
Suddenly I come face to face with a shadow whose existence I'm not reminded of daily.
They'll tell me we used to mean so much to each other,
Tell me why can't we at least keep in touch.
We used to see each other everyday now it's hard to talk more than once a year?
I might see myself in the present or future with the chain between us unbroken.
They could fill a void that is present or bump out someone in their place.
Wake up suddenly to an alarm
Ponder for no more than 5 seconds before I forget about them and move onto daily life.
These memories are not just of people.
I genuinely miss high school so badly it hurts.
Why is it we spend 4 years with people following the same purpose only for each of us to have a different one afterwards?
It's been nearly a year since I was supposed to move on from that life and I still haven't.
I'm meant to change myself again in preparation for the daunting adulthood ahead.
I dwell on each wrong decision.
Each day I wake up to a shiny purple football helmet by my bedside.
It is still scratched all over and even contains traces of paint from opposing helmets.
I imagine myself running with 11 guys chasing me
But that was only a halfway reality.
If I were to write a list of every bad decision I've made it wouldn't end.
Today I named seven people to my girlfriend.
Seven people I thought would be attending my 30th birthday.
I'd be lucky if all seven showed up.
I have a lot of good friends
But there's the crippling fear of the reality they won't make it to my future.
I can never lose my attachment to anything.
From plain sight in the middle of my room I can see everything
The pictures of every high school formal I've ever been to, all the books I read in my childhood, every name tag I received from a key club event, stuffed animals I've had since age 5 and a pile of video games.
Is life like video games?
Not in that way
But that we just move from one to the next, living completely differently as we shift
I've been so many people but at the same time only one person
So who am I now?
My name is Marvin Ho. I am an 18 year-old community college student. I have no major or idea of my career path. I have a beautiful girlfriend and today is my 5 month anniversary with her. I am a mediocre popper and b-boy but dream of being on America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance. I collect toys and shoes but don't quite have the financial backing for the latter. I own a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X and drive it speed limit out of fear of cops. I have two level 80 World of Warcraft characters and I almost have a third, using the game as my only connection to many of my friends who've moved away.
Today, I sat on my living room couch for 10 hours to play Persona 4, a video game in which I live another life.
Am I who I should be?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Humpty Dance
I figure since I build this whole blog around music anyway, I should do what I've been meaning to do for a long time. It's been on my mind recently to make a list of my top 50 favorite songs. There's no real purpose other than for fun and to have it written in front of me. kek in order:
1.The Light - Common
2.Empty Apartment - Yellowcard
3.Faithful - Common ft. Bilal and John Legend
4.Miss January - The Procussions ft. Talib Kweli
5.Luv Sic Pt. 2 - Shing02
6.Can't Stop This - The Roots
7.Love Letters - The Perceptionists
8.Just Let Go - Mae
9.Simply Starving to Be Safe - Daphne Loves Derby
10.reflection eternal - Nujabes
11.Miss You - M-flo ft. Melody and Ryohei Yamamoto
12.On Top - Mae
13.Crazy 8s- Mae
14.1st Love - Murs
15.Dear Mama - 2pac
16.Gentlemen Don't - Gabe Bondoc
17.Rock and Roll (Could Never Hip Hop Like This)Part 2- Handsome Boy Modeling School
18.Watch the Sky - Something Corporate
19.Lady Brown - Nujabes ft. Cise Starr
20.Do For Love - 2pac
21.Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard
22.Count It Down - Nomak ft. Zion I
23.Break Up (The OJ Song) - Murs
24.Love & Appreciate - Murs
25.Love Me After 12 AM - M-flo ft. Alex
26.Hikari - Nujabes ft. Substantial
27.Song In My Head - Sherwood
28.Blind Love - Emanon
29.Happiness - The Foreign Exchange
30.Livin' a Lie - The Dream ft. Rihanna
31.Stay With Me - Finch
32.Fighters - Lupe Fiasco ft. Matthew Santos
33.You Know What Time It Is? - Teriyaki Boyz
34.Geishas in the Days - Nomak ft. Pismo
35.Whatever You Say - Little Brother ft. 9th Wonder
36.Long Walk Home - This Day and Age
37.Hope - Twista ft. Faith Evans
38.Special - Strange Fruit Project
39.Hip Hop Saved My Life - Lupe Fiasco ft. Nikki Jean
40.Superstar - Floetry ft. Common
41.Pollen and Salt - Daphne Loves Derby
42.All I Have - Jennifer Lopez ft. LL Cool J
43.Each Day Gets Better - John Legend
44.Memory of Melodies - DJ Deckstream ft. Dred Scott and Adriana Evans
45.All Around the World (Same Song) - Digital Underground ft. 2pac
46.First Single - The Format
47.What It Is To Burn - Finch
48.Keep It in The Pockets - DJ Deckstream ft. Talib Kweli
49.Talk to Me - George Nozuka
50.Acid Raindrops - People Under The Stairs
So random, I need to go to sleep.
1.The Light - Common
2.Empty Apartment - Yellowcard
3.Faithful - Common ft. Bilal and John Legend
4.Miss January - The Procussions ft. Talib Kweli
5.Luv Sic Pt. 2 - Shing02
6.Can't Stop This - The Roots
7.Love Letters - The Perceptionists
8.Just Let Go - Mae
9.Simply Starving to Be Safe - Daphne Loves Derby
10.reflection eternal - Nujabes
11.Miss You - M-flo ft. Melody and Ryohei Yamamoto
12.On Top - Mae
13.Crazy 8s- Mae
14.1st Love - Murs
15.Dear Mama - 2pac
16.Gentlemen Don't - Gabe Bondoc
17.Rock and Roll (Could Never Hip Hop Like This)Part 2- Handsome Boy Modeling School
18.Watch the Sky - Something Corporate
19.Lady Brown - Nujabes ft. Cise Starr
20.Do For Love - 2pac
21.Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard
22.Count It Down - Nomak ft. Zion I
23.Break Up (The OJ Song) - Murs
24.Love & Appreciate - Murs
25.Love Me After 12 AM - M-flo ft. Alex
26.Hikari - Nujabes ft. Substantial
27.Song In My Head - Sherwood
28.Blind Love - Emanon
29.Happiness - The Foreign Exchange
30.Livin' a Lie - The Dream ft. Rihanna
31.Stay With Me - Finch
32.Fighters - Lupe Fiasco ft. Matthew Santos
33.You Know What Time It Is? - Teriyaki Boyz
34.Geishas in the Days - Nomak ft. Pismo
35.Whatever You Say - Little Brother ft. 9th Wonder
36.Long Walk Home - This Day and Age
37.Hope - Twista ft. Faith Evans
38.Special - Strange Fruit Project
39.Hip Hop Saved My Life - Lupe Fiasco ft. Nikki Jean
40.Superstar - Floetry ft. Common
41.Pollen and Salt - Daphne Loves Derby
42.All I Have - Jennifer Lopez ft. LL Cool J
43.Each Day Gets Better - John Legend
44.Memory of Melodies - DJ Deckstream ft. Dred Scott and Adriana Evans
45.All Around the World (Same Song) - Digital Underground ft. 2pac
46.First Single - The Format
47.What It Is To Burn - Finch
48.Keep It in The Pockets - DJ Deckstream ft. Talib Kweli
49.Talk to Me - George Nozuka
50.Acid Raindrops - People Under The Stairs
So random, I need to go to sleep.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Radical Dreamers ~ Unstealable Jewel
Here it is, the moment of truth. The end of this week marks the crossroad that's been awaiting me all summer. In a short stretch of days I'll see all but a handful of my closest friends depart to find things that I thought I would too at this time. When I think about it though, I don't think I'm ready for the experience. A part of me says that I'm fine staying at this place longer. Taking a different path than most people, I'll need to figure out why I was meant to stay here.
I held picking a college off for the most part because I didn't know what I wanted. Last fall I applied to over twenty schools, essentially every single one that even mildly sparked my interest. In the end I made a fool of myself when I got into over a dozen of them, and yet I didn't want to go to any of those. I halfheartedly committed myself to Riverside, a school I almost didn't even apply to. Well here I am, about to start my fall quarter at De Anza after dropping my contract to UCR, but what progress have I made? I still have no plan for the future, and I don't know what school I even want to transfer to. "Transfer Planning" isn't so smooth when you don't have a goal to plan towards.
Depressing thoughts aside, this summer has been amazing. Senior year had been everything I had hoped for and more, and this summer met every last one of my expectations. I spent all of senior year hyping the "Big Final Summer" and it has been the greatest experience of my life. Carefree, exciting, and heartwarming. Epic sausagefest sleepovers, BBQs at Alan's, ghetto adventures, treal talks over cold beer, LAN parties, adventures in Azeroth. I honestly could not ask for more. This is the first time a summer has ended and I'm 110% content. TAGlove <3 for real.
This summer has gone on so long it's hard to believe its real. I can barely even remember what was happening at the end of senior year. Sadly in a week I can't taunt people about going to school anymore. I've discovered so much about myself, friendships, and relationships. Things are looking up, despite the sadness that seems to be traced to this time of year.
Just remember it's not goodbye, it's see you later
I held picking a college off for the most part because I didn't know what I wanted. Last fall I applied to over twenty schools, essentially every single one that even mildly sparked my interest. In the end I made a fool of myself when I got into over a dozen of them, and yet I didn't want to go to any of those. I halfheartedly committed myself to Riverside, a school I almost didn't even apply to. Well here I am, about to start my fall quarter at De Anza after dropping my contract to UCR, but what progress have I made? I still have no plan for the future, and I don't know what school I even want to transfer to. "Transfer Planning" isn't so smooth when you don't have a goal to plan towards.
Depressing thoughts aside, this summer has been amazing. Senior year had been everything I had hoped for and more, and this summer met every last one of my expectations. I spent all of senior year hyping the "Big Final Summer" and it has been the greatest experience of my life. Carefree, exciting, and heartwarming. Epic sausagefest sleepovers, BBQs at Alan's, ghetto adventures, treal talks over cold beer, LAN parties, adventures in Azeroth. I honestly could not ask for more. This is the first time a summer has ended and I'm 110% content. TAGlove <3 for real.
This summer has gone on so long it's hard to believe its real. I can barely even remember what was happening at the end of senior year. Sadly in a week I can't taunt people about going to school anymore. I've discovered so much about myself, friendships, and relationships. Things are looking up, despite the sadness that seems to be traced to this time of year.
Just remember it's not goodbye, it's see you later
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Letter from Yokosuka
What am I doing? When did July suddenly arrive, is summer really this much over? I don't believe I've accomplished anything in the month of June.
It was a good choice not to go anywhere for vacation, but if it weren't for the heat I'd really wish I was in Japan right now. My trip to Japan last winter felt so refreshing. I didn't have a single thought of schoolwork or any other stresses while I was there. I miss sitting in my small bedroom at the top floor of my aunt's karaoke bar, looking over magazines and listening to my new music and pondering senseless things. I need another escape.
Why am I so stricken with doubt these days. So many doubts from every direction I feel like I can't be happy in any way. Things haven't changed and I'm still indecisive. I feel like I'm hitting one of the pitfalls I used to have so much junior year. Despite being surrounded by people everyday, I feel really alone and I haven't figured out why. Theres so many bad feelings I have that I can't explain. It seems like nobody's close to me anymore. I want someone to have a midnight drive with me or stay out somewhere for hours just so we can talk about everything thats happening in our lives. It's so rare I can actually have good conversation with someone these days, everyones caught up in something else. I purposely opted not to work or study this summer because I wanted it to be something special, but I feel like everyone else has something tying them up and I'm back alone at square one. I want to become closer to people I've drifted from but they all have someone to be with or something to be doing. I'm stuck alone these days and pass time with dota and senseless driving. I don't even sleep in cause I need to, I just know there isn't anywhere for me to be when I wake up. I somehow imagined this summer to be so much better but I end up feeling crummy everyday. I want someone to intervene, to spend a lot of time with me and show that they genuinely care. I once had people who would do that but they're all too busy now, and its not really their fault. Maybe I don't reach out enough to the people who matter these days. Then again, a lot of these people have changed too.
I guess I have goals for this summer: build dancing skills, especially in breaking and choreography. I also need to learn to cook. Most importantly I need to make more videos. I started reading books too. It's something to pass time with I guess. I don't feel bored in the sense that I'm not doing anything these days, but more so that people aren't doing anything I feel like. It feels like 90% of what I'm invited to do is either drink/watch movies and I just don't feel like either most of the time. It's pretty cliche for people to say there's nothing to do in Cupertino, but realistically theres just as much to do here as there is anywhere else if you're willing to look hard enough and stretch your boundaries. I want to find some new things to do. To whoever's actually bothered to read all this: give me a call cause it seems you care.
It was a good choice not to go anywhere for vacation, but if it weren't for the heat I'd really wish I was in Japan right now. My trip to Japan last winter felt so refreshing. I didn't have a single thought of schoolwork or any other stresses while I was there. I miss sitting in my small bedroom at the top floor of my aunt's karaoke bar, looking over magazines and listening to my new music and pondering senseless things. I need another escape.
Why am I so stricken with doubt these days. So many doubts from every direction I feel like I can't be happy in any way. Things haven't changed and I'm still indecisive. I feel like I'm hitting one of the pitfalls I used to have so much junior year. Despite being surrounded by people everyday, I feel really alone and I haven't figured out why. Theres so many bad feelings I have that I can't explain. It seems like nobody's close to me anymore. I want someone to have a midnight drive with me or stay out somewhere for hours just so we can talk about everything thats happening in our lives. It's so rare I can actually have good conversation with someone these days, everyones caught up in something else. I purposely opted not to work or study this summer because I wanted it to be something special, but I feel like everyone else has something tying them up and I'm back alone at square one. I want to become closer to people I've drifted from but they all have someone to be with or something to be doing. I'm stuck alone these days and pass time with dota and senseless driving. I don't even sleep in cause I need to, I just know there isn't anywhere for me to be when I wake up. I somehow imagined this summer to be so much better but I end up feeling crummy everyday. I want someone to intervene, to spend a lot of time with me and show that they genuinely care. I once had people who would do that but they're all too busy now, and its not really their fault. Maybe I don't reach out enough to the people who matter these days. Then again, a lot of these people have changed too.
I guess I have goals for this summer: build dancing skills, especially in breaking and choreography. I also need to learn to cook. Most importantly I need to make more videos. I started reading books too. It's something to pass time with I guess. I don't feel bored in the sense that I'm not doing anything these days, but more so that people aren't doing anything I feel like. It feels like 90% of what I'm invited to do is either drink/watch movies and I just don't feel like either most of the time. It's pretty cliche for people to say there's nothing to do in Cupertino, but realistically theres just as much to do here as there is anywhere else if you're willing to look hard enough and stretch your boundaries. I want to find some new things to do. To whoever's actually bothered to read all this: give me a call cause it seems you care.
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