"Its a little like …restlessness…
Ranging from the antsy feeling you get while your sitting at home on a Friday night
to the kickin and tossin that you do because no matter how much you want to find it,
there is just no more cool spots left on the bed tonight.
Still that’s a little tame by comparison…
Its kinda like wanting to burst out of your skin…
to move time forward to grab hold of what you want coming to you because you just can’t wait any longer. You want and you wish and you plead yourself to move
but
vague ambition and unfocused ideas keeps you stationary with just the grinding of your teeth
and the clenching of your fist as the reward of such wasted energies.
But it doesn’t end there…
it is also something like the shadows casted by self doubt and a fear that’s gripping your neck making it difficult to breath at best and at worst there is the option of letting it all go and settle into a life less than average.
Excitement maybe…?
The kind that makes you want to scream because it can’t come soon enough.
All the kiddish and fever like excitment from being in line for rides at Disneyland or having only five minute left before it’s time to go downstairs for Christmas.
The intensity in the moment right before your first kiss to the
release…
you feel when everything worked out just right. A pot boiling with only your strength holding onto the lid.
Frustration might come to mind…
but not just frustration…because getting a test question you don’t have the answer to or waiting in traffic causes frustration. This is frustration in a way that makes you dig your nails into your skin or punch a hole in the wall because you want to make physical the FRUSTRATION that you fight or beat with a stick.
Because
You wake up every morning and it’s all there…
You hope the person you see in the mirror and the life he leads is the amazing art work you’ve painted in your head filled with full filled potential and the ideals and promises you’ve projected onto yourself. It’ll be with you when you go to sleep at night. It keeps you moving and it holds you back depending on the day.
it keeps you wondering…
if
it’s always
and going to be
that way."
-FENG
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Fancy Footwork
Ryan Feng is such an absolute inspiration to me. Not only is he Taiwanese-American, not only did he win ABDC, but everything about his image and style impresses me. This video impresses me so much because his style is the closest thing I've ever found to my own, and nothing more inspiring than seeing someone with a style like yours but doing it 100x better. He executes a perfect blend of isolation locking, waving, housing, hip hop and contemporary style. His low-key attitude and modesty made him stand out to me much more than the rest of Quest Crew. It's such a shame that he's less noticed than the others because of that because he's my personal favorite. Not to mention I wish I could have his hairstyle.
In the world of dance he is my hero
www.justfeng.com
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Delete
The self-portrait has become whole.
The blurring has been wiped out I'm thinking straight now
I will forget you exist
That you came in and ruined my life.
Our memories are absolute nothingness now.
You're just a filthy slut who I made the mistake of being with
I will no longer allow you to manipulate me
My life is mine
Cry Cry 届けない想い抱いて泣いて泣いても悔しいだけ
The time is over ! Time is over!なげいても無意味だった
ちぎれてったクソくらえ思い出なんか
Wake up reborn
The real version of me
The blurring has been wiped out I'm thinking straight now
I will forget you exist
That you came in and ruined my life.
Our memories are absolute nothingness now.
You're just a filthy slut who I made the mistake of being with
I will no longer allow you to manipulate me
My life is mine
Cry Cry 届けない想い抱いて泣いて泣いても悔しいだけ
The time is over ! Time is over!なげいても無意味だった
ちぎれてったクソくらえ思い出なんか
Wake up reborn
The real version of me
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Pain
I'm a single Asian male, dark hair, light eyes.
Long walks through the park and a lot of them lies
I'm a little bit jaded by a lot of what I see
So if you're still interested you should come and get at me
Cause I'm tired of getting shot down, put down, and dissed.
I wanna be picked up, held tight, and kissed.
But things like this don't happen to dudes like me
Cause I'm more Coldplay than I am Ice-T
They say that good girls love bad guys, and that might be
But a bad girl with a good guy that's unlikely
So what's a man to do to get to hold hands with you?
Do I talk shit, stand, and look hard with my crew?
I don't know what to do so I drown in my drink
It helps to numb the pain
Cause when I sit and think about it
Eyes get clouded, thoughts get crowded.
So I'mma sit right here and wait for you to talk about it
It's a easy let down but don't let it get you down
That's what my boys told me
But end of the night I was still sitting lonely
If only I could find 'em
Without all the drama, without the one liners
Excuse me miss, hey ma, you got a man? What's your name
I'm almost in my 20s so enough with the games
Simply put I think you're stunning, and what about some kids?
Couple dogs, couple cars, a four bedroom crib
I'm not trying to jib I'm just speaking from the heart
But we can start with a drink if you wanna play it smart
And good women in my life, there's only been two
My mother being one, and the other one is done
So my philosophy on dating is ain't no fun.
I've had this song for a couple years now but I've never actually listened to it. It came up on my shuffle while driving today. I normally skip over it but I decided to because of the mellow sound. It really spoke out to me, every part of it, not just the quoted. Murs is one of my favorite artists so I'm surprised I never listened to all his songs closely. I was really touched I've been listening to it on repeat all day.
Long walks through the park and a lot of them lies
I'm a little bit jaded by a lot of what I see
So if you're still interested you should come and get at me
Cause I'm tired of getting shot down, put down, and dissed.
I wanna be picked up, held tight, and kissed.
But things like this don't happen to dudes like me
Cause I'm more Coldplay than I am Ice-T
They say that good girls love bad guys, and that might be
But a bad girl with a good guy that's unlikely
So what's a man to do to get to hold hands with you?
Do I talk shit, stand, and look hard with my crew?
I don't know what to do so I drown in my drink
It helps to numb the pain
Cause when I sit and think about it
Eyes get clouded, thoughts get crowded.
So I'mma sit right here and wait for you to talk about it
It's a easy let down but don't let it get you down
That's what my boys told me
But end of the night I was still sitting lonely
If only I could find 'em
Without all the drama, without the one liners
Excuse me miss, hey ma, you got a man? What's your name
I'm almost in my 20s so enough with the games
Simply put I think you're stunning, and what about some kids?
Couple dogs, couple cars, a four bedroom crib
I'm not trying to jib I'm just speaking from the heart
But we can start with a drink if you wanna play it smart
And good women in my life, there's only been two
My mother being one, and the other one is done
So my philosophy on dating is ain't no fun.
I've had this song for a couple years now but I've never actually listened to it. It came up on my shuffle while driving today. I normally skip over it but I decided to because of the mellow sound. It really spoke out to me, every part of it, not just the quoted. Murs is one of my favorite artists so I'm surprised I never listened to all his songs closely. I was really touched I've been listening to it on repeat all day.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Stick To Your Vision
I'm glad to be where I am now,
I'm glad for change.
I've finally finished picking up all the pieces of myself that were broken up and scattered all over. The soul that she tore apart piece by piece and stepped on. Someday I'll finish reconstructing the man that I was, polished to become the man I want to be.
The biggest mistake I've made in my life, I'm glad it's out. Now I just need to grab hold of my dreams again, find a new direction for myself. I don't need a female to be happy with my life. I need to learn to love Marvin Ho again. I need to learn to love TAG again. I've forgotten all my dreams in the past nine months so I owe it to myself to find them again.
Time to hold tight, work hard
Get to my final destination
I'm glad for change.
I've finally finished picking up all the pieces of myself that were broken up and scattered all over. The soul that she tore apart piece by piece and stepped on. Someday I'll finish reconstructing the man that I was, polished to become the man I want to be.
The biggest mistake I've made in my life, I'm glad it's out. Now I just need to grab hold of my dreams again, find a new direction for myself. I don't need a female to be happy with my life. I need to learn to love Marvin Ho again. I need to learn to love TAG again. I've forgotten all my dreams in the past nine months so I owe it to myself to find them again.
Time to hold tight, work hard
Get to my final destination
Monday, February 23, 2009
Freewriting
Nostalgia
I step back and collect my deepest deepest memories
I facebook kids I haven't seen since I was 4 feet tall
and dig through old photos to decorate my wall.
It's so hard to believe you live your whole life in one shell.
I've put on 1000 different outfits
Had 100 different personalities
10 different images
All endured by 1 body.
It's almost as if I can't believe I was the person I was before 2009.
There's parts of my past self I still wish I had or could be
And there's past selves I'd like to backhand.
I face each regret, too many to count.
I try to put myself in the mindset of the time wondering.
Faded friendships are hollow reminders of wrong turns
And old flames are looming burnt out candles.
I'll hit an occasion thinking of people I haven't seen in months, years.
Then sleep.
Suddenly I come face to face with a shadow whose existence I'm not reminded of daily.
They'll tell me we used to mean so much to each other,
Tell me why can't we at least keep in touch.
We used to see each other everyday now it's hard to talk more than once a year?
I might see myself in the present or future with the chain between us unbroken.
They could fill a void that is present or bump out someone in their place.
Wake up suddenly to an alarm
Ponder for no more than 5 seconds before I forget about them and move onto daily life.
These memories are not just of people.
I genuinely miss high school so badly it hurts.
Why is it we spend 4 years with people following the same purpose only for each of us to have a different one afterwards?
It's been nearly a year since I was supposed to move on from that life and I still haven't.
I'm meant to change myself again in preparation for the daunting adulthood ahead.
I dwell on each wrong decision.
Each day I wake up to a shiny purple football helmet by my bedside.
It is still scratched all over and even contains traces of paint from opposing helmets.
I imagine myself running with 11 guys chasing me
But that was only a halfway reality.
If I were to write a list of every bad decision I've made it wouldn't end.
Today I named seven people to my girlfriend.
Seven people I thought would be attending my 30th birthday.
I'd be lucky if all seven showed up.
I have a lot of good friends
But there's the crippling fear of the reality they won't make it to my future.
I can never lose my attachment to anything.
From plain sight in the middle of my room I can see everything
The pictures of every high school formal I've ever been to, all the books I read in my childhood, every name tag I received from a key club event, stuffed animals I've had since age 5 and a pile of video games.
Is life like video games?
Not in that way
But that we just move from one to the next, living completely differently as we shift
I've been so many people but at the same time only one person
So who am I now?
My name is Marvin Ho. I am an 18 year-old community college student. I have no major or idea of my career path. I have a beautiful girlfriend and today is my 5 month anniversary with her. I am a mediocre popper and b-boy but dream of being on America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance. I collect toys and shoes but don't quite have the financial backing for the latter. I own a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X and drive it speed limit out of fear of cops. I have two level 80 World of Warcraft characters and I almost have a third, using the game as my only connection to many of my friends who've moved away.
Today, I sat on my living room couch for 10 hours to play Persona 4, a video game in which I live another life.
Am I who I should be?
I step back and collect my deepest deepest memories
I facebook kids I haven't seen since I was 4 feet tall
and dig through old photos to decorate my wall.
It's so hard to believe you live your whole life in one shell.
I've put on 1000 different outfits
Had 100 different personalities
10 different images
All endured by 1 body.
It's almost as if I can't believe I was the person I was before 2009.
There's parts of my past self I still wish I had or could be
And there's past selves I'd like to backhand.
I face each regret, too many to count.
I try to put myself in the mindset of the time wondering.
Faded friendships are hollow reminders of wrong turns
And old flames are looming burnt out candles.
I'll hit an occasion thinking of people I haven't seen in months, years.
Then sleep.
Suddenly I come face to face with a shadow whose existence I'm not reminded of daily.
They'll tell me we used to mean so much to each other,
Tell me why can't we at least keep in touch.
We used to see each other everyday now it's hard to talk more than once a year?
I might see myself in the present or future with the chain between us unbroken.
They could fill a void that is present or bump out someone in their place.
Wake up suddenly to an alarm
Ponder for no more than 5 seconds before I forget about them and move onto daily life.
These memories are not just of people.
I genuinely miss high school so badly it hurts.
Why is it we spend 4 years with people following the same purpose only for each of us to have a different one afterwards?
It's been nearly a year since I was supposed to move on from that life and I still haven't.
I'm meant to change myself again in preparation for the daunting adulthood ahead.
I dwell on each wrong decision.
Each day I wake up to a shiny purple football helmet by my bedside.
It is still scratched all over and even contains traces of paint from opposing helmets.
I imagine myself running with 11 guys chasing me
But that was only a halfway reality.
If I were to write a list of every bad decision I've made it wouldn't end.
Today I named seven people to my girlfriend.
Seven people I thought would be attending my 30th birthday.
I'd be lucky if all seven showed up.
I have a lot of good friends
But there's the crippling fear of the reality they won't make it to my future.
I can never lose my attachment to anything.
From plain sight in the middle of my room I can see everything
The pictures of every high school formal I've ever been to, all the books I read in my childhood, every name tag I received from a key club event, stuffed animals I've had since age 5 and a pile of video games.
Is life like video games?
Not in that way
But that we just move from one to the next, living completely differently as we shift
I've been so many people but at the same time only one person
So who am I now?
My name is Marvin Ho. I am an 18 year-old community college student. I have no major or idea of my career path. I have a beautiful girlfriend and today is my 5 month anniversary with her. I am a mediocre popper and b-boy but dream of being on America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance. I collect toys and shoes but don't quite have the financial backing for the latter. I own a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X and drive it speed limit out of fear of cops. I have two level 80 World of Warcraft characters and I almost have a third, using the game as my only connection to many of my friends who've moved away.
Today, I sat on my living room couch for 10 hours to play Persona 4, a video game in which I live another life.
Am I who I should be?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Humpty Dance
I figure since I build this whole blog around music anyway, I should do what I've been meaning to do for a long time. It's been on my mind recently to make a list of my top 50 favorite songs. There's no real purpose other than for fun and to have it written in front of me. kek in order:
1.The Light - Common
2.Empty Apartment - Yellowcard
3.Faithful - Common ft. Bilal and John Legend
4.Miss January - The Procussions ft. Talib Kweli
5.Luv Sic Pt. 2 - Shing02
6.Can't Stop This - The Roots
7.Love Letters - The Perceptionists
8.Just Let Go - Mae
9.Simply Starving to Be Safe - Daphne Loves Derby
10.reflection eternal - Nujabes
11.Miss You - M-flo ft. Melody and Ryohei Yamamoto
12.On Top - Mae
13.Crazy 8s- Mae
14.1st Love - Murs
15.Dear Mama - 2pac
16.Gentlemen Don't - Gabe Bondoc
17.Rock and Roll (Could Never Hip Hop Like This)Part 2- Handsome Boy Modeling School
18.Watch the Sky - Something Corporate
19.Lady Brown - Nujabes ft. Cise Starr
20.Do For Love - 2pac
21.Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard
22.Count It Down - Nomak ft. Zion I
23.Break Up (The OJ Song) - Murs
24.Love & Appreciate - Murs
25.Love Me After 12 AM - M-flo ft. Alex
26.Hikari - Nujabes ft. Substantial
27.Song In My Head - Sherwood
28.Blind Love - Emanon
29.Happiness - The Foreign Exchange
30.Livin' a Lie - The Dream ft. Rihanna
31.Stay With Me - Finch
32.Fighters - Lupe Fiasco ft. Matthew Santos
33.You Know What Time It Is? - Teriyaki Boyz
34.Geishas in the Days - Nomak ft. Pismo
35.Whatever You Say - Little Brother ft. 9th Wonder
36.Long Walk Home - This Day and Age
37.Hope - Twista ft. Faith Evans
38.Special - Strange Fruit Project
39.Hip Hop Saved My Life - Lupe Fiasco ft. Nikki Jean
40.Superstar - Floetry ft. Common
41.Pollen and Salt - Daphne Loves Derby
42.All I Have - Jennifer Lopez ft. LL Cool J
43.Each Day Gets Better - John Legend
44.Memory of Melodies - DJ Deckstream ft. Dred Scott and Adriana Evans
45.All Around the World (Same Song) - Digital Underground ft. 2pac
46.First Single - The Format
47.What It Is To Burn - Finch
48.Keep It in The Pockets - DJ Deckstream ft. Talib Kweli
49.Talk to Me - George Nozuka
50.Acid Raindrops - People Under The Stairs
So random, I need to go to sleep.
1.The Light - Common
2.Empty Apartment - Yellowcard
3.Faithful - Common ft. Bilal and John Legend
4.Miss January - The Procussions ft. Talib Kweli
5.Luv Sic Pt. 2 - Shing02
6.Can't Stop This - The Roots
7.Love Letters - The Perceptionists
8.Just Let Go - Mae
9.Simply Starving to Be Safe - Daphne Loves Derby
10.reflection eternal - Nujabes
11.Miss You - M-flo ft. Melody and Ryohei Yamamoto
12.On Top - Mae
13.Crazy 8s- Mae
14.1st Love - Murs
15.Dear Mama - 2pac
16.Gentlemen Don't - Gabe Bondoc
17.Rock and Roll (Could Never Hip Hop Like This)Part 2- Handsome Boy Modeling School
18.Watch the Sky - Something Corporate
19.Lady Brown - Nujabes ft. Cise Starr
20.Do For Love - 2pac
21.Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard
22.Count It Down - Nomak ft. Zion I
23.Break Up (The OJ Song) - Murs
24.Love & Appreciate - Murs
25.Love Me After 12 AM - M-flo ft. Alex
26.Hikari - Nujabes ft. Substantial
27.Song In My Head - Sherwood
28.Blind Love - Emanon
29.Happiness - The Foreign Exchange
30.Livin' a Lie - The Dream ft. Rihanna
31.Stay With Me - Finch
32.Fighters - Lupe Fiasco ft. Matthew Santos
33.You Know What Time It Is? - Teriyaki Boyz
34.Geishas in the Days - Nomak ft. Pismo
35.Whatever You Say - Little Brother ft. 9th Wonder
36.Long Walk Home - This Day and Age
37.Hope - Twista ft. Faith Evans
38.Special - Strange Fruit Project
39.Hip Hop Saved My Life - Lupe Fiasco ft. Nikki Jean
40.Superstar - Floetry ft. Common
41.Pollen and Salt - Daphne Loves Derby
42.All I Have - Jennifer Lopez ft. LL Cool J
43.Each Day Gets Better - John Legend
44.Memory of Melodies - DJ Deckstream ft. Dred Scott and Adriana Evans
45.All Around the World (Same Song) - Digital Underground ft. 2pac
46.First Single - The Format
47.What It Is To Burn - Finch
48.Keep It in The Pockets - DJ Deckstream ft. Talib Kweli
49.Talk to Me - George Nozuka
50.Acid Raindrops - People Under The Stairs
So random, I need to go to sleep.
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