Digital Love

Top 100 Favorite Games

1. Persona 4
2. Persona 3
3. Chrono Cross
4. Final Fantasy VIII
5. Tales of Symphonia
6. Yakuza 3
7. Chrono Trigger
8. Final Fantasy VII
9. Earthbound
10. Final Fantasy X
11. Yakuza
12. Everquest
13. Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
14. Ogre Battle 64
15. Dark Cloud 2
16. Yakuza 2
17. Harvest Moon 64
18. Fallout: New Vegas
19. Fallout 3
20. World of Warcraft
21. Defense of the Ancients
22. Super Street Fighter IV
23. Shenmue
24. Zone of the Enders 1/2
25. Bioshock 2
26. Bioshock
27. Dragon Age: Origins
28. Rival Schools
29. The Sims Series
30. Dragon Quest VIII
31. Final Fantasy IX
32. Dead or Alive Series
33. Katamari Damacy
34. Mass Effect
35. Fable II
36. Team Fortress 2
37. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
38. .hack Series
39. Bayonetta
40. Dynasty Warriors Series
41. Shadow Hearts: Covenant
42. Ninja Gaiden 2
43. Ninja Gaiden
44. Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
45. Sonic Adventure ½
46. Heavy Rain
47. Grand Theft Auto Series
48. Civilization V
49. Warcraft III
50. Dungeon Keeper II
51. Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows of Amn
52. Fight Night Series
53. Half-Life 2
54. Dragon Warrior VII
55. Soul Calibur
56. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
57. Brave Fencer Musashi
58. Pokemon FireRed/LeafGreen
59. Kingdom Hearts
60. Marvel vs. Capcom 2
61. Snowboard Kids 2
62. Final Fantasy X-2
63. Kessen II
64. Hitman: Blood Money
65. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
66. Resident Evil 4
67. Tekken Series
68. Dark Cloud
69. Arc the Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
70. Diablo II
71. Metal Gear Solid 2
72. Super Mario RPG
73. Mega Man X3
74. Mega Man 7
75. Mega Man X
76. Indigo Prophecy
77. Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Vegas
78. Onimusha Series
79. Mystical Ninja starring Goemon
80. Actraiser
81. Final Fantasy VI
82. Borderlands
83. Banjo-Kazooie
84. Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo
85. Pokemon Puzzle League
86. Final Fantasy XII
87. Def Jam: Fight for NY
88. Devil May Cry 2
89. Super Mario 64
90. Final Fantasy XIII
91. Castle Crashers
92. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2
93. No One Lives Forever 2
94. Dawn of Discovery
95. Freedom Force
96. Yoshi’s Story
97. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island
98. Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty
99. Dungeon Siege
100. Counter-Strike

Keep Pushin'

"Its a little like …restlessness…
Ranging from the antsy feeling you get while your sitting at home on a Friday night
to the kickin and tossin that you do because no matter how much you want to find it,
there is just no more cool spots left on the bed tonight.

Still that’s a little tame by comparison…
Its kinda like wanting to burst out of your skin…
to move time forward to grab hold of what you want coming to you because you just can’t wait any longer. You want and you wish and you plead yourself to move
but
vague ambition and unfocused ideas keeps you stationary with just the grinding of your teeth
and the clenching of your fist as the reward of such wasted energies.

But it doesn’t end there…
it is also something like the shadows casted by self doubt and a fear that’s gripping your neck making it difficult to breath at best and at worst there is the option of letting it all go and settle into a life less than average.

Excitement maybe…?
The kind that makes you want to scream because it can’t come soon enough.
All the kiddish and fever like excitment from being in line for rides at Disneyland or having only five minute left before it’s time to go downstairs for Christmas.

The intensity in the moment right before your first kiss to the
release…
you feel when everything worked out just right. A pot boiling with only your strength holding onto the lid.

Frustration might come to mind…
but not just frustration…because getting a test question you don’t have the answer to or waiting in traffic causes frustration. This is frustration in a way that makes you dig your nails into your skin or punch a hole in the wall because you want to make physical the FRUSTRATION that you fight or beat with a stick.

Because
You wake up every morning and it’s all there…
You hope the person you see in the mirror and the life he leads is the amazing art work you’ve painted in your head filled with full filled potential and the ideals and promises you’ve projected onto yourself. It’ll be with you when you go to sleep at night. It keeps you moving and it holds you back depending on the day.
it keeps you wondering…

if
it’s always
and going to be
that way."

-FENG

Fancy Footwork

Ryan Feng is such an absolute inspiration to me. Not only is he Taiwanese-American, not only did he win ABDC, but everything about his image and style impresses me. This video impresses me so much because his style is the closest thing I've ever found to my own, and nothing more inspiring than seeing someone with a style like yours but doing it 100x better. He executes a perfect blend of isolation locking, waving, housing, hip hop and contemporary style. His low-key attitude and modesty made him stand out to me much more than the rest of Quest Crew. It's such a shame that he's less noticed than the others because of that because he's my personal favorite. Not to mention I wish I could have his hairstyle.

In the world of dance he is my hero
www.justfeng.com

Delete

The self-portrait has become whole.
The blurring has been wiped out I'm thinking straight now
I will forget you exist
That you came in and ruined my life.
Our memories are absolute nothingness now.
You're just a filthy slut who I made the mistake of being with
I will no longer allow you to manipulate me
My life is mine

Cry Cry 届けない想い抱いて泣いて泣いても悔しいだけ
The time is over ! Time is over!なげいても無意味だった
ちぎれてったクソくらえ思い出なんか

Wake up reborn
The real version of me

The Pain

I'm a single Asian male, dark hair, light eyes.
Long walks through the park and a lot of them lies
I'm a little bit jaded by a lot of what I see
So if you're still interested you should come and get at me
Cause I'm tired of getting shot down, put down, and dissed.
I wanna be picked up, held tight, and kissed.
But things like this don't happen to dudes like me
Cause I'm more Coldplay than I am Ice-T
They say that good girls love bad guys, and that might be
But a bad girl with a good guy that's unlikely
So what's a man to do to get to hold hands with you?
Do I talk shit, stand, and look hard with my crew?
I don't know what to do so I drown in my drink
It helps to numb the pain
Cause when I sit and think about it
Eyes get clouded, thoughts get crowded.
So I'mma sit right here and wait for you to talk about it

It's a easy let down but don't let it get you down
That's what my boys told me
But end of the night I was still sitting lonely
If only I could find 'em
Without all the drama, without the one liners
Excuse me miss, hey ma, you got a man? What's your name
I'm almost in my 20s so enough with the games
Simply put I think you're stunning, and what about some kids?
Couple dogs, couple cars, a four bedroom crib
I'm not trying to jib I'm just speaking from the heart
But we can start with a drink if you wanna play it smart

And good women in my life, there's only been two
My mother being one, and the other one is done
So my philosophy on dating is ain't no fun.


I've had this song for a couple years now but I've never actually listened to it. It came up on my shuffle while driving today. I normally skip over it but I decided to because of the mellow sound. It really spoke out to me, every part of it, not just the quoted. Murs is one of my favorite artists so I'm surprised I never listened to all his songs closely. I was really touched I've been listening to it on repeat all day.

Stick To Your Vision

I'm glad to be where I am now,
I'm glad for change.

I've finally finished picking up all the pieces of myself that were broken up and scattered all over. The soul that she tore apart piece by piece and stepped on. Someday I'll finish reconstructing the man that I was, polished to become the man I want to be.

The biggest mistake I've made in my life, I'm glad it's out. Now I just need to grab hold of my dreams again, find a new direction for myself. I don't need a female to be happy with my life. I need to learn to love Marvin Ho again. I need to learn to love TAG again. I've forgotten all my dreams in the past nine months so I owe it to myself to find them again.

Time to hold tight, work hard
Get to my final destination

Freewriting

Nostalgia
I step back and collect my deepest deepest memories
I facebook kids I haven't seen since I was 4 feet tall
and dig through old photos to decorate my wall.
It's so hard to believe you live your whole life in one shell.
I've put on 1000 different outfits
Had 100 different personalities
10 different images
All endured by 1 body.
It's almost as if I can't believe I was the person I was before 2009.
There's parts of my past self I still wish I had or could be
And there's past selves I'd like to backhand.
I face each regret, too many to count.
I try to put myself in the mindset of the time wondering.
Faded friendships are hollow reminders of wrong turns
And old flames are looming burnt out candles.
I'll hit an occasion thinking of people I haven't seen in months, years.
Then sleep.
Suddenly I come face to face with a shadow whose existence I'm not reminded of daily.
They'll tell me we used to mean so much to each other,
Tell me why can't we at least keep in touch.
We used to see each other everyday now it's hard to talk more than once a year?
I might see myself in the present or future with the chain between us unbroken.
They could fill a void that is present or bump out someone in their place.
Wake up suddenly to an alarm
Ponder for no more than 5 seconds before I forget about them and move onto daily life.
These memories are not just of people.
I genuinely miss high school so badly it hurts.
Why is it we spend 4 years with people following the same purpose only for each of us to have a different one afterwards?
It's been nearly a year since I was supposed to move on from that life and I still haven't.
I'm meant to change myself again in preparation for the daunting adulthood ahead.
I dwell on each wrong decision.
Each day I wake up to a shiny purple football helmet by my bedside.
It is still scratched all over and even contains traces of paint from opposing helmets.
I imagine myself running with 11 guys chasing me
But that was only a halfway reality.
If I were to write a list of every bad decision I've made it wouldn't end.
Today I named seven people to my girlfriend.
Seven people I thought would be attending my 30th birthday.
I'd be lucky if all seven showed up.
I have a lot of good friends
But there's the crippling fear of the reality they won't make it to my future.
I can never lose my attachment to anything.
From plain sight in the middle of my room I can see everything
The pictures of every high school formal I've ever been to, all the books I read in my childhood, every name tag I received from a key club event, stuffed animals I've had since age 5 and a pile of video games.
Is life like video games?
Not in that way
But that we just move from one to the next, living completely differently as we shift
I've been so many people but at the same time only one person
So who am I now?
My name is Marvin Ho. I am an 18 year-old community college student. I have no major or idea of my career path. I have a beautiful girlfriend and today is my 5 month anniversary with her. I am a mediocre popper and b-boy but dream of being on America's Best Dance Crew and So You Think You Can Dance. I collect toys and shoes but don't quite have the financial backing for the latter. I own a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X and drive it speed limit out of fear of cops. I have two level 80 World of Warcraft characters and I almost have a third, using the game as my only connection to many of my friends who've moved away.
Today, I sat on my living room couch for 10 hours to play Persona 4, a video game in which I live another life.
Am I who I should be?

The Humpty Dance

I figure since I build this whole blog around music anyway, I should do what I've been meaning to do for a long time. It's been on my mind recently to make a list of my top 50 favorite songs. There's no real purpose other than for fun and to have it written in front of me. kek in order:

1.The Light - Common
2.Empty Apartment - Yellowcard
3.Faithful - Common ft. Bilal and John Legend
4.Miss January - The Procussions ft. Talib Kweli
5.Luv Sic Pt. 2 - Shing02
6.Can't Stop This - The Roots
7.Love Letters - The Perceptionists
8.Just Let Go - Mae
9.Simply Starving to Be Safe - Daphne Loves Derby
10.reflection eternal - Nujabes
11.Miss You - M-flo ft. Melody and Ryohei Yamamoto
12.On Top - Mae
13.Crazy 8s- Mae
14.1st Love - Murs
15.Dear Mama - 2pac
16.Gentlemen Don't - Gabe Bondoc
17.Rock and Roll (Could Never Hip Hop Like This)Part 2- Handsome Boy Modeling School
18.Watch the Sky - Something Corporate
19.Lady Brown - Nujabes ft. Cise Starr
20.Do For Love - 2pac
21.Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard
22.Count It Down - Nomak ft. Zion I
23.Break Up (The OJ Song) - Murs
24.Love & Appreciate - Murs
25.Love Me After 12 AM - M-flo ft. Alex
26.Hikari - Nujabes ft. Substantial
27.Song In My Head - Sherwood
28.Blind Love - Emanon
29.Happiness - The Foreign Exchange
30.Livin' a Lie - The Dream ft. Rihanna
31.Stay With Me - Finch
32.Fighters - Lupe Fiasco ft. Matthew Santos
33.You Know What Time It Is? - Teriyaki Boyz
34.Geishas in the Days - Nomak ft. Pismo
35.Whatever You Say - Little Brother ft. 9th Wonder
36.Long Walk Home - This Day and Age
37.Hope - Twista ft. Faith Evans
38.Special - Strange Fruit Project
39.Hip Hop Saved My Life - Lupe Fiasco ft. Nikki Jean
40.Superstar - Floetry ft. Common
41.Pollen and Salt - Daphne Loves Derby
42.All I Have - Jennifer Lopez ft. LL Cool J
43.Each Day Gets Better - John Legend
44.Memory of Melodies - DJ Deckstream ft. Dred Scott and Adriana Evans
45.All Around the World (Same Song) - Digital Underground ft. 2pac
46.First Single - The Format
47.What It Is To Burn - Finch
48.Keep It in The Pockets - DJ Deckstream ft. Talib Kweli
49.Talk to Me - George Nozuka
50.Acid Raindrops - People Under The Stairs

So random, I need to go to sleep.

Radical Dreamers ~ Unstealable Jewel

Here it is, the moment of truth. The end of this week marks the crossroad that's been awaiting me all summer. In a short stretch of days I'll see all but a handful of my closest friends depart to find things that I thought I would too at this time. When I think about it though, I don't think I'm ready for the experience. A part of me says that I'm fine staying at this place longer. Taking a different path than most people, I'll need to figure out why I was meant to stay here.

I held picking a college off for the most part because I didn't know what I wanted. Last fall I applied to over twenty schools, essentially every single one that even mildly sparked my interest. In the end I made a fool of myself when I got into over a dozen of them, and yet I didn't want to go to any of those. I halfheartedly committed myself to Riverside, a school I almost didn't even apply to. Well here I am, about to start my fall quarter at De Anza after dropping my contract to UCR, but what progress have I made? I still have no plan for the future, and I don't know what school I even want to transfer to. "Transfer Planning" isn't so smooth when you don't have a goal to plan towards.

Depressing thoughts aside, this summer has been amazing. Senior year had been everything I had hoped for and more, and this summer met every last one of my expectations. I spent all of senior year hyping the "Big Final Summer" and it has been the greatest experience of my life. Carefree, exciting, and heartwarming. Epic sausagefest sleepovers, BBQs at Alan's, ghetto adventures, treal talks over cold beer, LAN parties, adventures in Azeroth. I honestly could not ask for more. This is the first time a summer has ended and I'm 110% content. TAGlove <3 for real.
This summer has gone on so long it's hard to believe its real. I can barely even remember what was happening at the end of senior year. Sadly in a week I can't taunt people about going to school anymore. I've discovered so much about myself, friendships, and relationships. Things are looking up, despite the sadness that seems to be traced to this time of year.
Just remember it's not goodbye, it's see you later

Letter from Yokosuka

What am I doing? When did July suddenly arrive, is summer really this much over? I don't believe I've accomplished anything in the month of June.

It was a good choice not to go anywhere for vacation, but if it weren't for the heat I'd really wish I was in Japan right now. My trip to Japan last winter felt so refreshing. I didn't have a single thought of schoolwork or any other stresses while I was there. I miss sitting in my small bedroom at the top floor of my aunt's karaoke bar, looking over magazines and listening to my new music and pondering senseless things. I need another escape.

Why am I so stricken with doubt these days. So many doubts from every direction I feel like I can't be happy in any way. Things haven't changed and I'm still indecisive. I feel like I'm hitting one of the pitfalls I used to have so much junior year. Despite being surrounded by people everyday, I feel really alone and I haven't figured out why. Theres so many bad feelings I have that I can't explain. It seems like nobody's close to me anymore. I want someone to have a midnight drive with me or stay out somewhere for hours just so we can talk about everything thats happening in our lives. It's so rare I can actually have good conversation with someone these days, everyones caught up in something else. I purposely opted not to work or study this summer because I wanted it to be something special, but I feel like everyone else has something tying them up and I'm back alone at square one. I want to become closer to people I've drifted from but they all have someone to be with or something to be doing. I'm stuck alone these days and pass time with dota and senseless driving. I don't even sleep in cause I need to, I just know there isn't anywhere for me to be when I wake up. I somehow imagined this summer to be so much better but I end up feeling crummy everyday. I want someone to intervene, to spend a lot of time with me and show that they genuinely care. I once had people who would do that but they're all too busy now, and its not really their fault. Maybe I don't reach out enough to the people who matter these days. Then again, a lot of these people have changed too.

I guess I have goals for this summer: build dancing skills, especially in breaking and choreography. I also need to learn to cook. Most importantly I need to make more videos. I started reading books too. It's something to pass time with I guess. I don't feel bored in the sense that I'm not doing anything these days, but more so that people aren't doing anything I feel like. It feels like 90% of what I'm invited to do is either drink/watch movies and I just don't feel like either most of the time. It's pretty cliche for people to say there's nothing to do in Cupertino, but realistically theres just as much to do here as there is anywhere else if you're willing to look hard enough and stretch your boundaries. I want to find some new things to do. To whoever's actually bothered to read all this: give me a call cause it seems you care.

Graduation (Friends Forever)

So this is it, the end of high school. I'm about to break into a long emotional blog post and whether or not anyone reads this I don't care because this is more for my own reflection. I'm gonna copy a lot of this on facebook but this is more in depth.

When they say high school is the best 4 years of your life, I don't have a single doubt about the truth behind it. I've learned a hundred times more about myself these past 4 years than I have the first 14. I've never thought about this day coming until just this past week or so. I'm actually going to graduate high school. In 3 months I'll be leaving the house and I'm never gonna sit in a non-college classroom again. I'm gonna be growing up, trying my best to take care of myself. I'm just gonna miss the little things in high school. Coming home and logging on aim, holding off hw to do stupid things. I'm gonna miss rallies, I'm gonna miss dances. I think even having a crush on a girl will feel different from now on. I'm indefinitely gonna change in the near future. It's sad to say my friends will too, and no matter how hard I try to avoid it I'll become distanced from most of them. However, the future is inevitable and after this blog and tomorrow's ceremony I'll have to move full speed toward the inevitable.

So let's take a warp back in time: how exactly do I feel about each of the past 4 years?

Freshman year I was still at Harker. I was caught in the loop of immaturity and sheltering which sadly still plagues a lot of kids back there. I have to admit, I was a pretty big asshole. I thought a little more of myself than I rightfully should've and I'm thankful that I left Harker so I could be set on the right path. It's not to say everyone there is like what I was but I needed a change to make a change. This isn't to say freshman year was all negativity. The mistakes taught me to avoid them in the future. Not to play girls, not to ever put things that don't matter before your friends. After most of my friends left to other high schools after middle school I became closer to certain people who I'll treasure forever. The summer before freshman year was when I really became best friends with Dan and I'm glad we're still inseparable after 4 years. I was lucky enough to make friends at MV before I transferred in or else I would've been a total outcast. I'm glad I left Harker, but at the same time I wouldn't change this part of my past if I had the chance.

Sophomore year was a huge smack in the face for me. Going from a school of 500 kids to 2400 was a shock. I came in and most the people around me didn't like me. I can't blame them cause I was off but I guess it helped me become who I am. I spent too much of this year obsessing over random little crushes and desperately trying to fit in. At the end of the year I was able to find a lot of my faults and it was around this time I made most of my most precious friends. I still reminisce of constantly walking around everywhere with Allen, Sam, and Koji.

Commercial break here for TAG SUMMER. The summer after sophomore year was without a doubt the biggest turnaround of my high school career. That summer I received my license and became closer to my friends at school, met the toga guys who would soon become some of my closest friends, and became more involved in Key Club. With these setting the foundation, I decided it was time to set permanence in friendship with TAG. Before the founding of TAG I was somewhat of a nomad. I was never especially close to a crowd of friends before this point. I spent the summer going to Leslie's nearly everyday and meeting up with the to-be founders. Fourth of July came, and during the barbecue at Alan's old house we decided to found it. Since then TAG has become the focal point of my life, a brotherhood I live and die for. I understand for some of the members its become pretty whatever but to me TAG is a reminder that I always have a group of close friends who'll support through everything. As we split this upcoming year I hope that we can hold our strong bond no matter what it takes.

Junior year had to have been undoubtedly the worst year of my life. I made the horrible mistake of signing up for 4 AP/honors classes and proceeded to fail nearly all of them. I couldn't get along with Coach Mueller and dropped out of football, which had been one of my greatest passions up until that point. I liked the same girl for nearly the entire year, despite the hopelessness. Through these struggles, I believe that this year was when I truly matured into the person I can confidently call an adult (despite my kiddish spirit). I owe it to TAG for keeping me sane through this year when everything seemed like it was falling apart.

Senior year, 180 degree change. This past year has definitely been the BEST year of my life. Schoolwork erased from my life as a plague. I barely tried at all this year and got better grades than I did working hard in junior year. This allowed me to spend time doing what mattered most, spending time with my friends. I've been so carefree this year it feels almost like a break from reality. I treasure each moment of high school because I realize each experience will be my last time having it. I've grown closer and closer to my friends and I can't be happy enough. Despite having to face some emotional issues for the first semester, I was able to resolve it and ultimately become stronger in the end. This year will allow me to move forward into the future with a bright smile on my face.

So here I am at the end of my senior year. Last rally is past, senior prom is past, I have no more classes. In less than 18 hours I'll be sitting on the Monta Vista bleachers in a purple gown being told in the most optimistic fashion about my future. A future which I'm still not sure of. So am I content with my high school experience? Very. Do I have regrets? Plenty. I regret not trying hard enough to get into any of the schools I wanted. I regret never having a strong relationship with a girl. I regret quitting football which I still have a passion for. Regrets are the past and they're just stepping stones not speed bumps. So here it is before me, the end of "the best 4 years of my life." I have mixed feelings about whether or not I'm ready but like I said, its inevitable.

Goodbye High School. Let's make this summer freakin rad

Provocations of Starman Jr.

Indecision indecision

Its like I always feel like this. For better or worse I have a lot of big choices to make soon. I have so many questions but theres nobody all-knowing to answer them. I don't want high school to end. I don't want to move away. I don't want to see my friends move away. I don't want to grow up. I always feel like theres things nagging on me when there really isn't that much to be worried about. Everyones been telling me my life is perfect right now but is it really? Through some miracle I've been matched with one of the coolest, most gorgeous girls I've ever met. I have a car that catches glances everywhere I go. But can I say that a girl and a car make me completely content with my life? never. Just a few months ago, I felt like I was completely in control of my life. I enjoyed everyday to the fullest and embraced it. I feel like I'm just droning through each day now, counting down, now 4 more days before I never return to MV again except for graduation and future visits. Each day just feels like a waste of life. I wake up, go to school where I'm not being taught anything anymore, and then come home and waste time until I pass out. My mom insists on me moving out, believing wherever I go in life I'll be a failure so its not worth trying. I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing with the rest of my life. I've set myself on these different paths but each choice I make will put me closer to some goals and close out others. Why can't there be an answer for everything?

Someday I'm waking up with sunshine in my eyes

Yesterday

"I thought I saw you yesterday
But I didn't stop
Cause you was walking the opposite way
I guess I could've shouted out your name
But even if it was you I dunno what I'd say
We could sit and reminisce about the old school
Maybe share a cigarette because we both fools.
Chop it up and compare perspectives
Life, love, stress and setbacks.

You could tell me how hard you had it
And you could show me all the scars to back it
And we can analyze each complaint
Break it down and explain these mistakes I make
I like to tangle up the strings of the puppetry
But you knew me back when I was a younger me
You seen me in all types of light
And I been meaning to ask you if I'm doing alright

And when you left I didn't see it coming.
I guess I slept it ain't like you was running
You crept out the front door slow
And I was so self absorbed I didn't even know.
And by the time I looked up it was booked up.
Put it all behind you the bad and the good stuff.
A whole house full of dreams and steps
I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept.
You disappeared but the history is still here.
That's why I try not to cry over spilled beer"


Beautiful lyrics. I Miss You

Awake

"I'm trying real hard not to shake
I'm biting my tongue
But I'm feeling alive with every breath that I take
I feel like I've won
You're my key to survival"

So I haven't posted in a very long time. I guess life is starting to get much much better for me. Ever since you came into the picture I've been genuinely happy. Everything's really been falling into place since them. I've become really content and even excited to go to UCR, despite how I used to feel about it. Yesterday my mom signed all the papers to get the Evo X. I don't have any real academic worries for the rest of this school year. Now I'm just kicking it and enjoying what's being thrown at me. I'm getting quite stoked for senior prom and I hope I can ask this weekend.

Kbye!

Deserts Eating Oceans

"We sleep alone in our beds
Waiting for our eyes to fall in rest.
Remember when we used to think
That all of our childhood dreams would fall into place
By some heavenly grace.
But now I can see I've made a big mistake"

It's hard to believe. Waiting day in and day out thinking about the same thing, checking up on it multiple times daily. When you finally get an answer, its what you feared the most. I believed that, against all odds, the one thing I wanted the most right now would come to me simply because I desperately prayed for it. I stood by idly, waiting week after week after, meeting one wave of rejection after the other, only to feel apathetic to every last one. Until now. I must have checked the website at least 5+ times daily. I've had the craziest insomnia for about a month just thinking about it. I would stay up simply planning for what I had thought would be my future. The people I'd be with, where I'd live, the things I'd be a part of. I'd scheme and scheme and scheme, I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish in the next 4 years. Over this past month I essentially developed a sort of tunnel vision, but what do you do when the tunnel ends? Despite the odds being stacked against me, I'm still in disbelief. I imagined a life so perfect ahead, and in one sentence a total stranger has shot me down. It's almost as if a part of me has died on the inside. So where do I go from here? I honestly loathe all of the other options open to me. I have to persist but even then it might not be enough.

What does it take? I'll give it everything I've got

Release Me

"If you'd get next to me and help me find simplicity.
Then you could be the one to take me, to break me
And flood my soul.
Could you be the one to release me?
Waiting for your love to free me, so release me"

Hot Import Nights was definitely an awesome experience. Going for sure next year(possibly entering a car?). I don't think I enjoyed looking at cars and girls as much as it was simply spending time with my friends. Two of them I never see enough. As graduation comes closer and closer I really am scared. It'd be real awesome if we could look at it like the end of middle school; we're going to different schools but we'll still be around. When I graduated 8th grade I only had one friend move away, Ian. Surprisingly, I had a really long talk with him today about a lot of things. I'm surprised we managed to maintain our friendship throughout high school despite him living in another state. Will I be able to have this with all my friends?

The way things are, half my friends will be gone because they're simply way smarter than me. I don't fear college rejection as much as I fear putting distance between me and my friends. Even if I goto De Anza, chances are Dan, Shawn, and Allen will be the only ones sticking around. If I goto sac state I'll prob be all alone unless Dan goes. Those're really the only options I have so far.

I've been having the most insane insomnia lately. I haven't fallen asleep in less than an hour and a half in bed in more than a week. I've been thinking about so many things: friends, school, girls, cars, the future, etc. I'm only writing this blog right now cause its soothing and could possibly help me sleep. A good thing thats come from this insomnia though, is that I've started reading books.

I've got so many things I want to do. I want to make a lot more videos before graduation. I want to finish some games. I want to get in shape. Theres only so much time left in second semester.

Enough thoughts for today. Goodnight

Life is Like a Boat

"I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along
I will follow and keep you strong"

So Friday I got my first rejection letter. Even though I put 0 effort into the application I will admit that I'm really disappointed. They actually took the time to tell me that I was good in all areas except for grades, which is essentially the only thing stopping me from getting in to almost all the schools on my list.
I'm starting to get really antsy, I've been checking application status sites just about everyday.

On a brighter note, my birthday is coming and I'm really hoping I can get the Evo X. I've been slowly getting more and more obsessive with the thought of it. Buying magazines, watching videos, reading up on tuning. Oh and going to Hot Import Nights with TAG next saturday! Speaking of TAG, maybe new vid this week...

And I played badminton today...exciting!
I totally pwned my mom

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I'm getting anxious for March



I'm hoping for at least ONE yes

Sadie Hawkins Dance

yup

Galaxies

Dear Santa...